Fairytales don't always have a happy ending

The Military Wife

2009-05-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Got this from someone and thought it was very true....I actually miss being a military wife.....

Average Age of a Military Wife

The average age of the military wife is 20 years old.

She isn't old enough to buy a beer, but is old enough to manage a whole household on her own, and maybe, has a kid or two.

She probably never saw herself loving a man who was in the military, but she loves him regardless.

Her penmanship has improved over the last few months or years, due to the excessive letter writing she has been doing.

She cries alot, because she misses the man she swore to love. Her life isn't complete without him.

She looks very tired, because of her many nights without sleep, due to a
late night phone call that never came or a call that came and kept her
up all night, just because she heard his voice and is too overjoyed to
sleep.

As a wife, she is classified as a dependent, but she is
totally independent. She tends to her household, her kids, her school
work, and her job, all without her husband.

She manages to wear a smile, even though inside she's crying.

She understands that the man she loves has to go far away and is proud of him but also scared for him.

She understands that he can be taken away from her in a moment.

She feels a great sense of pride and gets teary eyed whenever she hears the
National Anthem, sees a flag blowing in the breeze, or watches the news
and hears about another soldier dying.

She goes weeks without a call or a letter, but she writes him every second she gets.

She knows how to convert civilian time into military time.

She knows how to iron his clothes and how to get the creases just right.

She gets annoyed when she hears someone complaining about not seeing their boyfriend for a few hours or a few days.

She may not have see him for months but she remembers everything about him,
every scar he has, the way he smells, whether or not he snores, the
look in his eyes and the way he feels when she holds him.

She has every picture of him and them out, and in frames, and she stares at them for hours on end

She has read every letter and e-mail over and over again.

Even though her man is half a world away, she still manages to go on with her life, as he would want her to.

She has at least one Support our Troops pen and a magnet on her car.

Half her wardrobe is based on his military branch. She never knew that she could love camouflage.

Next time you see her, you'll know her, thank her for what the man she loves
is doing. She will greatly appreciate it and she will smile and thank
you. Just because you thanked her she will smile the rest of the day

Did Brian get married?

2009-04-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

So in the mail I had something from the department of defense, big surprise. Sometimes I get sick of mail from them it's never anything I really want and most of the time just seeing that return address makes me cringe. So I open it and just scan it over oh right I think, it's that time of year they want to make sure I didn't remarry in the last year. So I'm glancing over the form that needs to be filled out and mailed back in when I notice it looks a little different so my eyes go up to the top corner and I see Brian's name. That's right the department of defense wants to make sure that my 7 year old didn't get married in the last year. Are you kidding me? They should know better, I mean they had to address it to me because he's just a kid so shouldn't that tell them that he's not old enough to get married? It's not like they don't have his date of birth and it doesn't take a math wize to know that if you were born in 2001 and it's only 2009 your not old enough to get married! Brian overheard me on the phone with my mom telling her about it and he chimes in that I need to write them a letter and let them know he's only 7!

Spring break

2009-03-31T20:57:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been on here in awhile, but honestly nothing has really been going on worth talking about. Brian has, however been on spring break since last Monday so we left last Wednesday for our usual Spring break trip to Oregon to visit Thomas' parents and we just got home last night. It was a nice relaxing trip as usual the first night there I slept 13 hours! It's so nice to have someone else take care of Brian in the morning. Thomas' half brother Gary came down, his wife died of cancer almost 6 months ago so we went out on the four wheeler and had some alone time to talk. He also taught me how to shoot a 38, it was my first time! Thomas' niece came down with from Washington with her family, you have to remember Thomas was the oops baby so he grew up with his niece's and nephews. Brian usually plays with her daughters outside, but you can tell all the kids are growing up, no one wanted to go outside and play and all 3 of them sat around playing their DS, so much for outdoor fun! Anyway here are some pics from the trip:
Brian and I killed some time with our 3 hour layover in Portland

Brian was happy to finally make our way out of Portland and on to Redmond

Me and Gary, he's so silly!

Brian with Grandma and Grandpa

On the plane back home

It's always right there....

2009-03-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly 4 years since Thomas died. Sometimes I can do days, or even weeks without thinking about the details of his death, without it being thrown in my face what made me a widow. But other times it's put right in my face for me to remember I guess. And it doesn't just affect me, it affects others too. Today I found out that my dad was offered a job, one that he could probably use seeing as how my dad does contracting work and the contract is running out later this year and you never can tell if another company will bid on the contract. My dad, however isn't taking the job, he says it would cost to much to live the state the job is in. My mom says he's not taking cause he knows I'd never come visit them. The job is at the National Ground Intelligence Center in Charlottesville, VA...... the exact same place Thomas was TDY training at to go to Iraq when he died.

TV

2009-03-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I want to say this....I don't want to spoil this...or have him suddenly change his mind......but it might finally be happening for real......
For the last 3 days Brian has decided he likes time alone in his room!!!! Yes that means finally after years and years of Sponge Bob Square Pants, and what seems likes endless days of the Suite life of Zack and Cody, and Hannah Montana. Yes he won't admit if you ask him, although he's already asked to see the movie, he does watch Hannah Montana. I finally get the living room to myself, sure he runs in every once in awhile to tell me something and that's fine by me cause I can watch what I want to watch on TV. I've always been thankful for my DVR because it allows to me watch my shows after he's gone to bed, but for the first time ever I'm actually watching them while they are on. It's different, I find myself reaching for the remote during commercials so that I can fast forward through them, only to remember I'm watching live TV, cause I can, cause I watch whatever I want now. I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself. I'm loving having the living room to myself......Now I only hope this sticks....

School stuff

2009-03-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Fist off I want to start by saying I'm out of school this week!! YAY!!! I had finals last week so I get a week off in between before I start with all next classes next Monday. I managed an A in both my Macro economics and Business Finance class my environmental science class hasn't posted a final grade yet, but in other words I'M TIRED!!!!! Those classes kicked my butt and I have a feeling it's not going to get any easier. To top things off I am going between the school and VA right now, as m VA checks have been on the short side and they are telling me the school told them I was only enrolled in 4.5 credit hours which was not the case it is in fact 13.5. I'm currently awaiting a call from my school to find out what is going on....I'll probably spend the next month dealing with it, as that's what happened last time they had my hours wrong.

In other news I don't understand the way kids are taught now days is so much different then when I was a kid. Sure they learn things at a younger age now then they did when I was kid, Brian currently has Geometry for math right now I don't think I learned that until oh high school. But I had parent teacher conferences last week and the teacher was showing me the way the kids learn to write sentences and it was way beyond anything I ever learned. First off they start in the middle of the paper. They start with a simple sentence like: The dog barked. then have them do what they call stretching the sentence out so now above the sentence they write out nouns and adjectives to describe the dog. From that they pick 2 or 3 that they will use in the sentence then they add verbs or adverbs, similes, metaphors and ideas like who, what, where, when, why and how. They also use sight, sound, smell, taste, touch to add more to the sentence. So after all this is added the sentence that was once The dog barked. Has now been stretched out to be Loudly the tiny, frightened Dalmatian puppy barked like a car horn because a stranger approached.
I'm totally lost when it comes to Brian's school, the teacher also said he's having problems with spelling words, doesn't surprise me I'm by no means the worlds best speller and I rely on spell check for everything! So she gave me a card with 5 words on it that Brian really needs to work on are you ready for those 5 words? They are:
Ocean
Young
Animal
Earth
and Government..... are you kidding me you want my 7 year old to know how to spell government?? Most adults can't spell that!
She tells me that since spelling is such a problem with him that they did an intervention! Yes that's right my kid had an intervention to bring to his attention the problems with spelling. I don't know what's going to happen next year, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it!

There's a first for everything

2009-02-17T14:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday since Brian didn't have school and I didn't want to sit around the house all day I decided we would go to Denver. We haven't been to the aquarium in awhile so I figure we'd go there.....and so did everyone else! That place was packed!! He really wanted to go so we fought the crowds to see the fish. After we left Brian was ready for lunch while I wanted to just hit up the mall for something easy, he wanted to go to the Hard Rock Cafe. We don't go there often enough for me to know my way from where we were so I told him if the GPS could find it we could go. If you've never been to the Hard Rock in Denver then you should know that it's located in the downtown area.....I've always hated downtown Denver! I've pricey to park, we paid $10 to park the car for an hour! And it's always confusing, a one way street here and there to throw you off. We enjoyed our food and we were ready to get out of Denver. And I was figuring my way out of the confusing area when I finally saw the street I needed to be on. The two cars in front of me make the turn onto the street, and then I do the same. And then it happened...for the first time ever...I got pulled over by the police!
The lady cop comes up and asked me if I knew why she pulled me over....nope not a clue. She tells me there was a sign that said no right on red, which is exactly what I did and the 2 cars in front of me did to. I wasn't looking at the signs since the cars in front of me were turning. The cop tells me that she knows the other 2 cars did the same thing and if she could have pulled over all 3 of us she would have.....yes but I'm the one who got pulled over! It's a fine of $100 and3 points off your license. They are however kind enough to offer a discount if you pay your fine in the first 20 days that would bring my fine would be $86 and only 1 point on my license. I'll take the $14 discount and I mailed in my payment today!
So always look for signs when your driving in a confusing area!

Kids say the darnest things

2009-02-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning the house today when I heard Brian say Bow Chicka Wow Wow. I couldn't help but just stop and stare at him for a minute. Then of course in case I heard him wrong I asked him what he had just said. Yep I heard right! They learn so young.....his father would be so proud! Ha ha

Why having a boy is defiantly different then having a girl......

2009-02-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

At 8:00 this morning Brian wasn't even dressed by 8:10 he was dressed, teeth brushed and all ready to go and we were parking at the daycare. Try doing that with a girl!

The 3 year ready to go or the 6 year get the hell out of here??

2009-01-29T21:06:00.000-08:00

When your part of a military family you move, usually every 3 years or so. When I was a kid my dad was in the Air Force, while once we got to Colorado we stayed put until he got out but we still seemed to move often enough from apartment to house to another house to another. I had been put in the same location for awhile when Thomas and I got married and as true with the military it was time to move. We moved to Germany for 3 wonderful years then back to Colorado. Next month will make 6 years that I've been in this house and I'm itching to get the heck out! Sometimes I think about the fact that I shouldn't even live here anymore, if Thomas was still here we would have moved...probably 3 years ago! Instead Thomas passed away 3 and half years ago.....can you believe it's been that long?? And so Brian and I stayed put in this house we made a home with Thomas. Ever since every so often I get the urge to move. It's not that I don't want live in Colorado anymore, although I wouldn't mind some warmer weather right now! When Thomas first died I wanted to stay here, I felt like I needed to stay here to keep his memory alive. In the last 3 years I've learned that's just not true. Thomas's memory will always be alive as Brian is very much like his father! Sometimes I think that in order for Brian and I to grow we need to move at some point everything moves on without Thomas in our lives. I know Thomas would want me to be happy, when we bought this house we have every intention of NOT staying here forever. We had plans to move, move where ever the military wanted to send us, or if nothing else Thomas always thought I deserved a bigger house. While this economy isn't one you can sell in a house in. It's a nice thought.....to think about moving I'm ready for the change, Brian and I would LOVE a house a bit bigger something with a real yard. Last year I wanted to move but it just was doable to get this house sold so instead I remodeled the place and yet here I am ready to move once again. There's nothing left to remodel in the house to distract me. So instead I can't help but wonder if I'm at my 3 year itch after Thomas's death and I'm ready to move or is it more my I'VE BEEN IN THIS HOUSE FOR 6 YEARS GIVE ME SOMETHING DIFFERENT???? So for now we'll stay put and I'll continue to look at homes online hoping to win the lottery and if you know anyone who wants to buy a 3 bedroom 2 bath home with lots of new upgrades send them my way! LOL

How did that happen?

2009-01-28T08:05:00.001-08:00

We are still sick in my house. I'm on my second run of antibiotics and Brian got some yesterday. What's really weird though is that we both have an ear infection. Sure he's a kid and gets at least one every winter. But I haven't had one in a few years. And now we both have one! Isn't that crazy? Well there's nothing going on here cause we're sick so here's hoping we get better!!

I'm back!!!

2009-01-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

OK I know it's been a LONG while since I've posted anything on here, but what can I say I've been busy....or sick! Right now I'm both. Busy with school and I'm currently fighting what started as a viral infection and turned into a bacterial infection. I'm just hoping Brian doesn't get it.
Brian and I are both doing just fine, I'm busy with school and running Brian around to all his activities. Brian is busy with school, he just finished a karate class and back to his tumbling class and he's also in private swimming lessons, they are kinda pricey but well worth every penny!!
Anyway look for more posting......if I'm motivated enough!

Out and about

2008-10-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ok so Mapquest sucks!!! It was wrong in way or another every place we went today. We are currently at the hotel in Westminster, CO. We went to the museum In Denver and saw a dinosaur imax show, then we went to the aquarium when we were leaving this guy who hardly spoke English, asked me to take his picture in front of the place. He had a disposable camera of all things and was trying to show me how the flash worked, I told him he didn't need the flash cause the sun was out! Anyway it was just him so I took his pic then handed him the camera, Brian was playing with this water squirter thing so I started talking to Brian then that guy walked over there stood there for a min, then walked off the way he came from, which was the opposite way of the aquarium. It seemed really weird, I spent like the next 30 mins trying to figure out what that guy was doing, but I didn't come up with anything other then it was just weird. Anyway when we left there we went to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch, got majorly lost on the way there! You can't actually park at the Hard Rock and I couldn't figure out for the life of me where we usually park cause we were coming from a different direction then I normally do. Anyway I think I circled around 3 times before I finally said Fuck it, parked the car and walked!! After that went to some other city (LOL I can't remember cause we've been in a few today, gotta love Denver!) and we went to this family fun center and Brian played some arcade games for awhile then we went to this park that I saw on the way there. On the agenda for tomorrow is the butterfly pavilion, I want to go to the Armed Forces Tribute Garden again, but it's still early we might do that now. We are going to hit up the mall around here either tonight or tomorrow. Then we are going to Littleton to go to the Hudson Gardens, then a quick stop at the mall there, so I can drop off a ring I have that needs to be sized that I've been holding onto since April cause I've been too lazy to go to Littleton! LOL Then home!

What do you want for Christmas?

2008-10-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

Yes believe it or not that time of the year is fast approaching. The stores seem to be carrying both Halloween and Christmas items. It's not often you see a skeleton next to Santa Claus. So now the all time famous question, what do you want for Christmas? Brian has been wanting a PSP since last Christmas. Now yes they are pricey, however that would be his BIG item for the year, last year his "big item" was a Wii and the Wii cost about the same as a PSP. The problem I'm running into is that they don't have a lot of kids games for the PSP. Playstation is geared more toward teens and adults with their games. I think the only reason Brian is wanting one is because it's the one thing he doesn't already have. I have tried to explain to him that if he gets a PSP, he would probably only get 2 or 3 games because they just don't make a lot of games he can play. He was VERY upset by this news. I told him, he could maybe get some more Wii games and DS games instead. He didn't like that answer at all. Now you have to remember he, at the moment, does still believe in Santa Claus. So I can't really explain to him that for the price of a PSP mommy could buy him at least 6 games for the Wii. My other problem is that Snowball express is the week before Christmas this year, and I know that we will be spending money while we are in CA, seeing as how this year we are not only going to Disneyland but we are going to Universal too. I told him he's not getting as much this year for Christmas because of the money we will spend at snowball express. But he doesn't understand why money is an issue since Santa brings him stuff for Christmas. I must say I'm surprised that he doesn't already know that there is no Santa. I'm not sure if or how I should tell him. See for me, I have an older brother so as soon as my brother found out there was no Santa I knew, I was 4 when that happened. Brian is 7!! So what do I do.....sit him down and explain to him that mommy is Santa.....or just buy him the PSP he asked Santa for and let him be upset that he doesn't have a lot of games for it? Any ideas are welcome at this point!!

It always happens at night

2008-10-02T09:52:00.001-07:00

So the other night Brian comes into my room just after 2am, he tells me he heard a noise. I reassure him that it was nothing and tell him to get in the bed with me. A couple of mins later I hear it. Why oh why does the smoke detector always get a low battery in the middle of the night?? Have you ever noticed that NEVER happens during the day? I don't know what it is, but there I was, half asleep, changing the batteries....

Are you buying that for a dollar??

2008-09-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

When you have a school age child who is "sick" you have to figure out if they are sick or if they just want to be sick so they don't have to go to school. Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from Brian's school. It was the nurse telling me that this was the second time he had come to see her and could I pick him up. Well of course so I got in the car and headed to the school. The nurse told me that Brian had said he had thrown up but what the kids are suppose to do is get an adult so that the adult can see they have really thrown up, but that Brian had flushed the toilet so in other words they didn't believe he was throwing up. Now how gross of job is that? I wouldn't want to be the one getting pulled into the bathroom to verify puke! I asked Brian if he had thrown up he said yes twice. So I sign him out of school and as we were walking to the car Brian tells me that he had actually thrown up 7 times. Now at this point I wasn't buying his little story. We got home and the first thing he did was go to the kitchen to look for a snack. I told him he needed to lay down if he didn't feel good. So he huffed and puffed and laid on the couch and moaned and groaned about how long he was going to have to be there. He wasn't running a fever and was acting fine. Brian hasn't really been enjoying school this year, I haven't figured out yet if that's because of the work or if he doesn't like the teacher. So I really didn't believe he was sick.....That is until we needed to leave the house. I told Brian we needed to go somewhere and the next thing I know he's in the bathroom throwing up. OK so now I'm finally buying the story now. Well I didn't have anything in the house for a sick kid so we had to go to the store to get the usual sprite, and chicken noodle soup. We got home and I stuck him in bed and gave him a sprite. Which he didn't keep down. He couldn't keep anything down last night. He was up until 9:00 throwing up last night. He made it through the night just fine, but I figured I better keep him home today just in case.
Today he has been bouncing off the walls! He's fine......I wish I had sent him to school!!!

Going going as usal

2008-09-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

Well things have, as usual around here, been non stop. I finished my summer semester of school, with much to my surprise because I hated the class, with a B. I was off of school for 2 weeks and started back, full time once again today.
Last Thursday my friend Lisa and I said goodbye to our kiddos, and for her, her husband and we hopped on a plane to Vegas for the weekend. This was my first time away from Brian for more then 1 night. I've NEVER spent more then 1 night away from at a time since he was born, and this time I not only left him with Nana and Pop for the weekend I left the state! I was SO worried about leaving him, but I got over that! Lisa and I had no real plans once we got to Vegas other then we had signed up for a pole dancing class on Friday. So we did what we wanted all weekend, shopped and gambled! Our class Friday was SO much fun, it was called stripper 101 and taught you the basics of a lap dance and a few moves on the pole. Lisa thinks I must have been a stripper in a past life cause I had no problems working that pole! HA HA The lady teaching the class was, of course, a former stripper, and she told me I was doing the moves perfect. So I guess I must have been good cause all the other girls she had to help. I was so sore after leaving that class, you'd be surprised how many muscles it takes to do a lap dance! We spent some time gambling at the Palms Friday night and there we saw Charlie Sheen! They have a playboy club at the Palms, so we asked what it takes to get in, turns out not much. So Saturday night we headed to the club. We danced our butts off and had a great time! That club is awesome! A bit pricey but well worth every penny. All of our pics from that night ended up fuzzy, but here's a few anyway
Me, Lisa and some playboy bunnies

I can't remember this guy's name, but he was funny, he was had a VIP table at the club that night, he says he's a agent for the San Diego Padres

This is actually in the bathroom, naked ladies everywhere

The things we do for our kids....

2008-08-16T20:52:00.001-07:00

Last month we found out that Tony Hawk was going to be in Denver for his Tony Hawk Boom BoomHuck Jam. And as you may know Brian and I LOVE Tony Hawk....so of course we had to get tickets! I think skate bordering is great for kids to at least watch, because they see this big name people who they know try to do something maybe they get it maybe they don't and if they don't kids get to watch these people fall, get back up and try it again. Something that I think everyone needs to know....doesn't matter who you are, if you fall you get back up and try it again.
Well it's been raining here for the last 2 days and today it was time for the show. The tickets said rain or shine so off we headed to Denver tonight. We stood in the rain for about 45 mins to get in. Well "in" wasn't really in since it was at an outdoor place! So we took our rain soaked seat and waited for the show....which was suppose to start at 5:30 then it got pushed back 6. Thankfully even though it was FREEZING the rain didn't start back up until the end of the show.
Oh and you can only think about the kind of money Tony Hawk makes...you should have seen all the kids with their Tony Hawk cloths on. To include my kid who was sporting his
So even rain and COLD weather won't keep this mom from taking her kid where he wants to be! Here's some picture from the show! Tony Hawk shirt and pants...not to mention his closet is FULL of about every Tony Hawk shirt there is!

Yes even Tony Hawk falls!

Really tall???

2008-08-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

So Brian went to the Dr today for a regular check up and the Dr seemed very surprised by something...how tall he is. The Dr asked me if I was at all concerned about the rate at which Brian is growing. Well honestly I haven't thought about it, he's a kid and he's suppose to grow right?? When Brian was 3 I was told he would be at least 6'2" so to buy him new clothes cause he's out grown his never struck me as something to worry about. The Dr just keep looking at the charts flipping back and forth between last years visit and this one with a dumb fonded look on his face. So finally I ask...why how much has he grown? The Dr tells me Brian has grown 5 and half inches in the last year! I'm still unsure at this point so I say.... is that something to worry about? The Dr tells me that he knows Brian is a tall kid you see that every year he comes in, but that with the way Brian has been growing he should have only grown 3 inches in the last year. So just to make sure everything is OK and as the Dr said...to make sure he's not going to try to bet the world record for tallest man! Brian has been referred to a specialist so they can check his growth hormones. The specialist only comes down from Denver once a month so he said it will probably take a couple months to get it, but that I needed to get a copy of Brian's growth chart to bring in with me so the other Dr knows what he's dealing with! So as of right now the Dr thinks if Brian slows back down to his normal growth rate he will probably be 6'6", which the Dr said "I'm OK with him being 6'6" I just don't want him to be 7'7"." Seeing as how I buy the boy his clothes I'll just say you and me both!!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2008-08-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Little kids and even adults are always changing what they want to be when they grow up. So far just this year Brian has wanted to be a veterinarian, and a soldier. Yesterday in school they did a paper about what they want to be when they grow up. Brian's answer this time......an officer. Why.....because it would be cool to catch robbers. Gotta love kids!

Garden of the Gods

2008-08-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

Brian and I got our picture taken out at Garden of the Gods the other weekend. Here's some pics!

To old for mom....sigh

2008-08-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Brian is at school right and has officially started the first day of 2ND grade! I remember the first day of first grade, it went differently then today did.
In 1ST grade I walked him to class, took a picture of him sitting at his desk, I even got a very hidden kiss and an I love you mom.
In 2ND grade you apparently don't need mom anymore. We were walking into the school and he says to me, why do we have to go to class the bell hasn't rang yet. I told him since it was the first day I wanted to make sure he got to class OK. OK fine he says. We got to the class room, he put his backpack away and looked at me said. OK mom. So I tell him to go sit down at his desk, he does and I whisper as I know no one is allowed to know I'm asking this, can I have a picture of you sitting at your desk, through clutched teeth I get a NO MOM. I said well OK then can I have a kiss, again NO MOM. I said well OK then have a good day, I'll pick you up, love you. And I all I got was a BYE MOM.
Sigh....guess he's too old to have his mom around....already!
Anyway here's a couple pictures I took before we left the house and that I quickly took in the school without him knowing of course!

Good first impression

2008-08-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today Brian and I went to his school to meet his new teacher since he starts school tomorrow. Well the teacher was nice I guess I thought she seemed kinda of weird and when we left I realized what the problem was. We are walking out the school on the way to the car and it's raining Brian says something about the rain and I said Oh a little rain never hurt anyone. He says to me I know but I don't want to get my shirt wet I like this shirt then he runs in front of me and I realize what shirt he's wearing.....He was wearing his Colorado military survivors retreat shirt, the back of the shirt even has a pic of the standard symbol of a military death with the boots, and the helmet on the rifle. Yeah right no wonder was the teacher was acting weird..she probably didn't know what to say! That's my kiddo always out to make a good first impression! Look back tomorrow for pics from the first day of second grade!

What a difference 3 years can make

2008-08-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Three years ago my world came crashing down in the blink of an eye as I went from Army wife to Military widow. I never thought I would able to live a normal life again.
After the first year I thought I was doomed I thought every year was being to worse then the one before. It was bad very bad. Then two years later, I was still torn up but going strong as the bad days were getting few and far between. Then on Thursday I hit the three year mark, I had a busy day already in the works with my thyroid scan and was prepared for another hard day. But much to my surprise I did well. I went to my first Dr apt that morning then I went to spend some time with Thomas. Yes I cried while I was with him, but surprisingly enough that was the only time I cried that day. I went on with the rest of my day as if it like any other. I cracked a few jokes with my friends about how Thomas never talks back to me and if he doesn't start to answer me I'm not sure how much longer I can be in this relationship.
So look at me now, three years later. I've managed to keep raising our son, who starts the 2ND grade this Wed. I'm in school, I can function on a daily bases. I've gotten out and met new people. And I've been keeping this one on the down low so I'm not giving out any details of anyone at this point, but I've been talking to 2 different guys and everything is going well. Still in the casual stages, but at least they are worth talking to!
So here I am three years after my world fell apart and I'm going strong. That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!

Long time....

2008-07-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

OK I guess I have been seriously lacking in posting on here, I guess I don't feel like there's a lot going on!
So here are some updates.... my ENT has finally decided my dizziness is because I have Meniere's Disease. It's not a big deal it's an unbalance of fluids on the inner ear, a low sodium diet should make it better in the next couple of months. I'll still have the Disease but I won't notice it as much.
Right now I am starving....I mean I am on the low iodine diet. It's going OK I guess some days I'm hungrier then other I weighted myself last Thursday when I started this and again this morning so far I lost 10 and half pounds...guess diets are easier to stick to when they are forced! I go in this Thursday for my thyroid scan.
And speaking of this Thursday....Thursday will make 3 years since Thomas died. I thought I was doing pretty good with it until I got up at 3 this morning to use the bathroom and when I crawled back into bed I just started crying. I got a card in the mail the other day from the Colorado Military Survivors I know it's a.....we're thinking of you and Brian during this time card.....so I haven't been able to bring myself to open it. It's still sitting on the kitchen counter unopened. I think I might leave it that way. I'm for some reason at this really weird point that I don't want to think about being a widow anymore. I didn't go to widow's group this week and I don't have any plans to go next week either. I guess I just don't want that reminder that I am a widow.
Other then that it's been the usual school for me daycare for Brian! Oh yeah only a week and half before Brian starts the 2ND grade!! We have been school supply shopping and I just can't help but to wonder why the schools are so picky!! Like one thing Brian needed was 6 folders....sounds easy enough right? Oh no they needed to be plain colors with horizontal pockets and brads in the following colors, red, yellow, blue, green, purple, and orange. I have managed to find all of them expect for the orange, it's like the companies didn't make that color for back to school this year!! Oh well we are going to Wal Mart tomorrow to search for it!

It didn't go well

2008-07-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

So I get Brian to my parents house and I'm parking my car at the theater at 4:40, which I figured since this was our first time out it was fine to be there 20 mins before the movie...yeah I wait.....and I wait......and I wait.... and I text my friend and ask how long I should wait....she asked if I had text him I said no I have to draw the line somewhere.....and then at 4:55 yes that's right 5 mins before the movie starts he comes walking up. He tells me oh yeah I had to run a few errands. No I'm sorry I'm late, not even a you look nice. Just a well lets go see this movie. So he pays for the tickets and we go in.....he's walking about 2 feet in front of me the whole time. We get in the theater and sit. We chit chat for a min about movies then the previews starts. He kinda talks to me during the previews but only about the movies being previewed. His cell phone went off during the movie, he had it on vibrate but I looked over when I saw a light as he took it out of his pocket.
The movie ends and as we are walking down the stairs out of the theater he checks his voicemail! Heaven forbid he waits!! We get out of the theater he asked if I liked the movie I said yeah it was good thanks. He says no problem then stays about 3steps ahead of me. He stopped for a second to talk to 2 different people he knew on the way out. I would stop when he did but he never once introduced me. We get outside and he says and I quote..... Your not hungry or anything like that are you.... It would have been 10 times better if you had heard him say it! It was almost like I might ask him for a kidney. So I said no I'm good. He says ok, well thanks for coming to the movie. So I said yeah thanks for the movie and for seeing it again (he had already seen the movie) he says no problem. I think the only reason he walked me to my car was because it just so happen to be parked in the same area as his. We stop at my car and he points to the gold star on the back and said what's this? I said oh that's a military gold star because my husband died on active duty military... his response you might want to know.....oh cool....I couldn't believe he said that. Then he says well let me have a hug, we hug and he says it was good seeing you again then goes off to his car.
So that was it, that was my first date since Thomas.

Everyone's OK with it....but me

2008-07-11T13:18:00.001-07:00

Well it's official...I am going on a date Sunday. At first I was very excited because well let's face it, it's been awhile! But yesterday when I told Thomas' mom I cried, she's happy for me, but I suddenly I felt like maybe I'm not ready for this. I'm having lots of doubts all of a sudden about this. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm not but I don't know if I really want to do this anymore. I had to talk to Brian last night about mommy dating. He's OK with it he guesses. I think he said he guesses because I started tearing up when I was telling him. I keep trying to tell myself that I'd probably feel this way if I date this weekend or 10 years from now. So I'm forcing myself to suck it up and go on this date Sunday.

My how things have changed.....

2008-07-09T17:04:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday something out of the ordinary happened, something I have been sitting around thinking would never happen again. I meet a guy yesterday and he asked me for my phone number. Which I gave to him, YAY ME! Well I gave him my cell phone number because well lets fact it everyone uses their cell phone now days. Now I've been out of this whole dating thing for what 9 years now and my how things have changed!! Since I gave him my number yesterday I didn't expect to hear from him yesterday so today I'm sitting at home trying to read some school stuff when I got a text message, nothing new I seem to spend half my day texting my friends. Well this time the text was from that guy! I find it funny how 9 years ago when I was dating we had pagers and that was the number you would exchange with guys so they would page us. And you would think that since everyone has cell phones and that's the number everyone exchanges now, that guys would actually call girls, but I guess not I guess they text message you now! I have SO much to learn!!

What do you call 7??

2008-07-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

We know when your child is growing up they have different stages they go through, the terrible two's the traitorous 3's, pre-teen, teen, but no one prepared me for 7! I don't know what you call 7, but it's bad! Brian has spent more time on a time out since he turned 7 then he did the whole year he was 6. He back talks me more then ever and even tries to tell me how I can talk to him. I'll say something and he'll tell me I'm not allowed to talk to him like that. UH I can talk to him however I please! He is older now, old enough to be able to do things around the house that he never use to do. I tell him again and again he needs to clean up after himself. He use to throw his trash in the trash can, now he leaves it laying on the coffee table, on the floor, or my favorite he crams it UNDER the coffee table! What's SO hard about walking 10 feet to the trash can?? He's suppose to clean his room and clean the living room and yet here I sit looking a living room floor covered with his stuff. When I dropped him off at daycare this morning I told him if he doesn't clean it when gets home today then tonight after he goes to bed, I'm throwing it all away! He had the nerve to tell me "yeah I know I'll get to it" Oh sorry to intrude on your hectic schedule! He's old enough now that he wants an allowance and it ain't as cheap as it was when I was a kid! When I was his age I think I got a dollar a week. I'm only willing to give him $5 a week and that's IF he does anything! This is not anything new we have been working on this for awhile now and I have only actually paid out an allowance to him maybe 3 times. He hasn't even been 7 for a month yet and I've had it with him! He'll be lucky to see 8! HA HA

Reschedule

2008-06-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well I called the other day to reschedule my thyroid scan, they were less then thrilled with me, but who cares! I mean have times have I been less then thrilled with Tri-Care?? Anyway I decided there was no way I was going to be able to stick to this diet while we are out of town, especially since I have found out that there are way more foods with iodine then I had originally posted. We get back into town on a Monday and that Friday starts the Colorado Military Survivors retreat, so I decided it best to start the diet after that. While I had high hopes for starting the diet on Monday the 14Th and having the scan on the 28Th, that's not what will happen, the diet will start on the 17Th leaving the scan to be on the 31st! Great was all I could think. I think Thomas likes to play a part in making sure I'm in the hospital for something on every July 31st! The first year after his death I was ended up in the ER and found out on the 31st that I had pneumonia which was very scary being told I had the same thing he died from on the day he died. Last year I don't really recall what the appointment was for, but I remember having a Dr. appointment on the 31st and having to get xrayed for something. And then this year I will have my thyroid scan on the 31st. I think he's messing with me!! At any rate that's the new date for that.

Oh that

2008-06-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

So I just looked it up online and boy was I surprised! Here's what it said

Which foods should be avoided in a low-iodine diet?

Iodine-rich foods that should be avoided in a low-iodine diet include:

- Iodized salt or sea salt
- Seafood, including fish, shellfish and seaweed
- Dairy products, including milk, cheese, ice cream and yogurt
- Eggs
- Bread products made with iodate
- Foods containing Red Dye Number 3
- Prepared food products that contain iodides, algin, alginates, carrageen or agar

Well this might be harder then I thought, we love cheese and ice cream in my house! I guess I need to check my bread but what about the bread at McDonald's??? And come on doesn't lots of foods have Red Dye Number 3?? I did a homework assignment last semester and red dye number 3 was even found in some sodas! Well this diet starts next Thursday, so wish me luck!

Here we go again

2008-06-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

With Dr's appt that is! I went to the Dr yesterday because of stomach pains I have been quietly dealing with for 2 months. The Dr determined I have GERD, if you don't know that is, well it's acid reflex basically. Now I don't remember if I posted this back in Dec, and I'm too lazy to go back and look. But back in Dec they found 2 cyst on my left thyroid and I was to go back in 6 months to have another ultrasound to make sure the cyst have not grown. My Dr is no longer there and wonderful tricare did not tell me this or assign me a new Dr, so I told the Dr I saw yesterday about this. She has decided instead of an ultrasound I should just have a thyroid scan that way they can see what is in the cyst. The thyroid scan will happen next month, because you have to be on a low iodine diet for 2 weeks before the scan. If your like me you just thought what foods have iodine in them?? Well according to the paperwork I was given it said seafood, oriental foods, table salt, etc. Well I can't eat seafood so no problem there, I don't usually add table salt to anything I make or eat, and I can surely manage two weeks without any type of oriental food. But the etc. is what killed me, I mean come on I didn't even know food had iodine in it much less what else besides what they listed would have it. It said to check the labels on foods, come on now if I actually read labels I probably wouldn't be as fat as I am! Oh well at least I can rely on the internet to tell me these things!

When you least expect it.....

2008-06-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

Someone walks into your life who you haven't seen in awhile. Last night I was out to dinner with a friend and her husband we were about done when two guys were seated at the table next to us. I glanced over and realized that I was pretty sure that I knew one of those guys. I said something to my friend about it, but for the life of me I couldn't remember his name. I tried so hard to think of his name, but I just couldn't remember. Don't you hate it when that happens?? I knew this guy had been to my house many times for BBQ's and that he was at Thomas's funeral and memorial service and then he became one of the people who I never heard from again. I was kinda hoping he would say something to me. But it didn't happen. I asked my friend how weird would it be if I went up to this guy and said I think I know you. She told me to do it, but I was still unsure. After all it's been almost 3 years and I have often worried if I would ever run into anymore we use to know and if so what would I do. We started out of the restaurant and I stopped, I told my friend I was going to do it and I turned around and headed over to his table. I told the guy he looked familiar to me, he said I did too. I asked him if he knew Claudio (this guy I know he was friends with cause they came to my house together), he said yes then suddenly you could tell he knew who I was. I told him I wasn't going to say anything, cause I couldn't remember his name. Eric is his name....I know now! Anyway we talked for a bit. After Thomas's memorial service he came down on some hard times, he lost his job, his apartment and his cell phone, which is why I never heard from him again. He said that just 2 days ago his son, who came to our house several times had asked about us. So anyway we exchanged numbers and spend like an hour text messaging last night getting caught up.
Well I always wondered what I would do and now I know....I turned around and ask.

Back!

2008-06-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

We got back from vacation yesterday and it was nice to come home to some cool weather since it was over 100 degrees in Vegas. Here's some pictures from the trip.

Going, Going, Gone

2008-06-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a bit, but we've been super busy as usual! I started back to school this week, which is kicking my butt big time!! I went out last night to celebrate my birthday, so I'd dead tired today! We are getting ready for Brian's birthday party which is in 2 and half hours (Brian's counting down). And we leave tomorrow afternoon to go out of town for a 8 days! For those who don't already know we are flying to Vegas then Monday driving to CA so that Tuesday (which is Brian's b-day) we are going to Disneyland! So in the true fashion that is us, we are BUSY! I don't normally have to pack for a trip to Vegas, but my wonderful ever growing child no longer fits into the clothes he has there so I must bring more. And in case you were wondering it came home at the end of the school year that he started first grade at a height of 4'3" and ended the school year at 4'7"! Which was pretty funny cause just three months ago when we did out passports he was at 4'5". Brian told me the other week that by the time he's 9 he will taller then me.....he just might at this rate! If I have time I will post some pics from his party today if not I'll post something when we get back!

Making news again

2008-05-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Well my widow ladies did it again.....they were on the Denver news on Memorial day. And I was lucky enough to be with them in Denver watching it on TV and one of their parents house. It was so much fun! Click here to see what they had to say

Just wanted to share

2008-05-27T15:00:00.001-07:00

SnowballExpress.org has their own blog now and I just wanted to share their post from yesterday....how true it is....
“I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

The following is the oath that each serviceman takes before enlisting. These are volunteers, men and women who have made a choice in how they will live their life. They come of their own free will and know the risks associated with those choices. The consequences of taking this oath vary.

For me, I returned home from every combat and training deploymentas as did most of my friends. For me after 20 years I was able to start a new life and enjoy the freedoms provided for me by the “next greatest generation” of warriers who serve now.

The consequences of taking the oath for our fallen heroes is the ultimate sacrifice. On Memorial Day we reflect on these fallen heroes and recognize their sacrifice for raising their hand for the oath they took.

Becoming involved in Snowball Express has taught me there are others who deserve our respect and attention on Memorial Day; it is the children and spouses of those fallen heroes.

No oath was taken by the spouse left behind, other than a wedding vow. There was no reference to the Constitution, to the President or to having to endure a way of life in the absence of one’s husband or wife.

The same is even more true for the child who is brought into the world with all the innocence any new child experiences and with no knowledge or understanding of “why”, they are asked, just as the surviving parent is asked, to sacrifice the loss of loved one and to do it willingly and without approval. Who would ever assume a child would take that type of oath, yet they live with those consequences forever.

What does the price of freedom really mean to the average person? Ask that question of Snowball Express child or a surviving spouse and they can write a book about it….and yet they serve in silence, not asking for help often times and merely being strong for they know that is what their fallen hero would expect of them.

As a grateful nation anything we can do to show our appreciation and love for their service in the absence of their fallen hero should be the goal on every Memorial Day for all Americans. Fortunately, the 1000+ volunteers who have banded together to make Snowball Express successful can say on Memorial Day, “I do support the troops” and know these are not mere words.

They are joined by thousands of other great Americans who are also helping veterans in many other organizations and non-profits. Snowball Express is proud to have joined some of those organizations doing good for these families.

Many Americans say “I support the troops” but unfortunately those are often hollow words. They aren’t hollow words because they aren’t sincere but because the opportunity to help the troops is not readily available to many persons.

That is not the case with Snowball Express volunteers.

In story after story I have been told by volunteers who have stepped up to help their experience with Snowball Express was the meaningful act of assistance they have ever had the pleasure of experiencing…..they feel they are “supporting the troops” in words and in action.

Dan Graham and his high school students who collected the toys for all of the Snowball children…they were supporting the troops; the Patriot Guard Riders and Ladies Auxiliary VFW members who came out to the airports for a wonderful sendoff for the Snowball families….they were supporting the troops; the young father and his son in Ohio who sold 100 Defending Freedom wristbands to raise $500 for one child to attend….the many American Airlines, Southwest Airlines, Oakley, Panda Express, Quiksilver, UPS, Jamba Juice, Outback Steakhouse and many others who have joined our team this year…..they are supporting the troops by helping Snowball Express bring more children to Orange County.

We live in the greatest country in the world with some of the most generous citizens in the world.

These Snowball Express families have given us all a gift by registering and having the courage to attend an event a great distance away while traveling with small children…no easy task….yet they still come and allow volunteers from around the country the opportunity to show “support for the troops” by allowing us to do something special for them.

We salute all of the Snowball Express children and spouses….we thank you for allowing us to share a small part of your life that has been a blessing to us all.

We admire you, we love you and we will never forget your children or the sacrifice your family has made so all of us can live under the blanket of freedom that has been woven by the lives of the fallen heroes who have gone before. God Bless each of you.

Memorial Day in Denver

2008-05-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday went pretty good, thanks for everyone who thought of me yesterday. I did pretty good and didn't even cry when they talked about Thomas, I think that's because I wrote it and I was busy listening to make sure they got it right! Anyway here's some picture from yesterday.

Here it is

2008-05-20T08:38:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to share with everyone what I wrote about Thomas that will be read at the Memorial Day ceremony in Denver this Saturday. It really is hard to sum him up in 3-4 sentences, but I think I did OK.
Thomas was a loving husband and father, whose passion to live life to the fullest always shined through. He loved spending time with his family, rock climbing and working on his car. He spent 8 years in the Army in the Infantry and one year in the Army Reserves as an Intelligence Analyst. He will forever live on in the hearts of those who knew him and he will never be forgotten.

Armed Forces Tribute Garden

2008-05-19T12:42:00.001-07:00

On Saturday we went to the opening ceremony of the Armed Forces Tribute Garden in Westminster, CO. It was a nice day and I have a sunburn on my left arm now, but I just wanted to share a few pictures from the morning.

This Saturday we will be attending the Memorial day ceremony in Denver they will honoring Thomas this year, I had to email them a picture of him over the weekend and in the next day I need to write a short paragraph about him to be read. Can't say I'm looking forward to writing it, but I'm sure I'll make it through it.

Gettin Down with Mama Goose

2008-05-14T09:25:00.001-07:00

At Brian's school yesterday was the 1st graders musical. Poor Brian came down with a cold over the weekend and was rubbing his eyes and yawning throughout the musical. This was my first time using the video feature on my camera and man did it kill my arms to hold the camera up! So I apologize if it's a bit shaky. Anyway here are a couple of the songs...

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T17:35:00.002-07:00

Well my parents kept Brian Friday night and all day Saturday. My friend and I went to the movies Friday night and then her and I spent some time at the spa on Saturday. This morning Brian gave me a book that he made, a card that he made and a necklace he bought at the store when my parents took him shopping Saturday. All in all it was a pretty good weekend.
I'm not sure a lot of people realize how much work it is being a single mother. I have to be both the mom and dad 24/7 365 days year. No time off unless you manage to get a day here or there where someone else keeps keeps them overnight. You struggle day in and day out with your child and have no one around to back up your decisions and you only hope that your making the choices for you child. It truly is a full time job being a mom.
Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's out there.

When did I become incapable

2008-05-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

Last month I wrote about how Brian is growing up. Well I've noticed even more things....we watch more Zoey 101 and less Sponge Bob Square Pants, I had to buy him his own CD player today because he just had to have the Naked Brothers Band CD. And then there's suddenly the things he think I can't do.....
The other week I had talked to my neighbor about him putting a ceiling fan in Brian's room, because like me, he likes it cool when he goes to sleep. So he had been asking me to put on the AC while that's fine and great I can't let the AC run all night because it still gets cold here at night and the heater needs to be on. So I figured the ceiling fan was the way to solve this problem. My neighbor was happy to put it in so off Brian and I went to the store to buy it. We get to the store and Brian asked me if that neighbor was meeting us there, I told him no. So he says to me, well how are you going to know where they are in the store and what kind to get. I told him I was perfectly capable of buying a ceiling fan! Last week Brian came to me and asked me where I worked, so I asked do you mean where I worked when I was working, because he knows I go to school. He said yes so I told him I had worked at a bank. So he was like oh OK so you work at a bank, I said well I use to, but I don't anymore because I go to school. So he says to me well some adults after they go to college get a job are you going to do that. Um yeah I said. Well where are you going to work he wanted to know. I informed him that I didn't know at this time as I still have awhile until I'm done with school. Today were in the car headed somewhere and my mom calls me to find out where I am I tell her where we are headed and she says to me I thought you didn't know how to get there. I said well no, but I do know how to work a computer and I do know how to use MapQuest so I have the directions! Well I guess after I got off the phone with her Brian thought it was taking us to long to get where we were going so he says to me, do you know where your going? I told him I kinda know and his answer?? Well why didn't you look it up on the computer. I told him I did then I had to show him the paper that I had wrote the directions down on. Then tonight I asked him if he was going to take a shower or a bath, he told me a bath so I said well come one let's start you bath. Then he had the nerve to say to me, well I said I wanted to a take bath can you handle that? Yeah I'm perfectly capable of starting a bath! I'm not sure when I became incapable of doing things, but my mom's rearranging her work schedule so she can go places with me. Yes I have a busy month this month, lots of things going on, and yes some of it is in Denver and at places I have never been too before, but for the love of god I know how to drive my car to Denver, I know how to look up the address on line and I can even read the street signs to get me there!!! I'm starting to wonder if I did something to make people think I suddenly wasn't capable of doing things on my own. Or maybe I wasn't capable in the past and now I am, I've become more capable of doing things alone and people don't know how to handle it. I'm not sure what's going on. But for the record I am capable of doing things! And if for some reason I'm not I'll let you know!

If I knew then what I know now

2008-05-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I attended Widow's group and afterwards one of the girls posed the question..If you knew then what you know now would you have done anything differently?
WOW what a question huh? Well everyone turned to me because out of the 4 us standing there my husband had died first. Well it's very easy to yes, but you have to wonder if it's true.
I wasn't aware I was allowed to be at the airport when his plane got there. I had asked my CAO if I should be there and was told if I went to the airport it would only be to know that the plane made it and that I wasn't going to be able to see his casket or anything. So I didn't go. However months later I found out this wasn't true and that I would have been allowed on the tarmac while the casket was removed from the airplane. So that's something I would have done for sure.
Even knowing then what I know now, I'm not sure there's much I would have done differently. Then I was willing and able to do whatever I was told. If you had told me to cut off my right arm I would have done it. And knowledge doesn't change the state of mind you slip into when your spouse dies.
Although it is forever engraved in my mind how the funeral was, the casket, the guys folding the flag, the flag being given to me, walking to the casket with Brian so he could give daddy one last kiss, I do wish there had been pictures of that. I realized that might sound a little twisted, but Brian was 4 at the time I know he doesn't remember all of that and I wish I had the pictures to show him when he gets older. Most of the other Ladies have that to show their kids, because their husbands did die in Iraq and the media was there to cover it all.
Well we ended up going to lunch after the discussion and after lunch one the ladies and I were standing at our cars talking, about something that is a very scary topic...dating again. We both agreed that we loved being married to military men, her husband was Air Force, and that we miss that whole military lifestyle. She said something very interesting to me, I had never even looked at like that before. She said if she married another military guy her only worry would be him deploying and that he would die like her first husband. And then she said that she doesn't know how I could do it again. ME? I thought my husband wasn't even in a war zone, he wasn't hit by an IED like hers, how could Thomas' death be harder than that? Then she said because your husband died stateside because he was sick and so you know that not being in a war zone doesn't make him safe, you know that he can go at anytime. I never thought of it like that before. I always thought I was lucky that Thomas wasn't in Iraq when he died, I never thought that someone who lost their husband in Iraq would consider themselves lucky and feel sorry for me.
I guess that's why us Widow's need eachother!

What a guy!

2008-04-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

I saw Brian's teacher today at the daycare and she told me that she tested Brian today for where he stands in everything to make sure he's ready for the 2ND grade. And she said that he did great! He's reading at a second grade level and everything! So I guess all the fighting we've done all school year about his writing and the dropping two level in reading mid year, were, well no big deal. In the end he has pulled through and is right where he needs to be for the next school year! What a guy!

Tooth Fairy

2008-04-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well I've been waiting three weeks for Brian's other top front tooth to come out and this morning, he had no other choice! When he got up this morning I could tell that the tooth had been bleeding while he was sleeping so I told him it had to come out. It took me about 45 mins to get him to stop pulling away from me and putting his hands in front of his face. But it's out. The tooth ended up breaking in half so he wanted to make sure tonight that both halves were put under his pillow because he's hoping to trick the tooth fairy into thinking it was two teeth. He usually gets $1 a tooth, but just to humor him tonight I have left $2 one for each half. I only hope that he doesn't start trying to break his teeth in half to get more money! Well here's a new pic of my toothless man!

Too true!

2008-04-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not a military wife anymore, but I saw this and thought it was so true and funny. Some of it I still do, like referring to friends not only by name, but the state they in! so I wanted to share.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MILITARY WIFE IF...

...you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours....
...you string concertina wire to keep the neighbor's kids out of your flower beds
...your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do
....you've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself
....you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it's the only one you can ever find in the house
....your children say "hooah" or "roger that" instead of "ok"
....your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall
....you only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change
....you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean
....you have a larger selection of curtains than Wal-Mart does
....you can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one
....you mark time in duty stations, not years
....you refer to friends not only by name but by the state that they live in
. ...you know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now
....you tear up when you hear "Proud to Be An American," even though you've heard it 50 times by now
....you know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say
....you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period
....you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 1:30 unless it's a life or death emergency
....you show your military ID to the greeter at Wal-Mart
....you know that any reference to "sand" or a "box" has nothing to do with your kid's backyard toys
....you know that "Ft. Puke" is a completely accurate description of any military base you are currently at
....you find yourself explaining your husband's LES to him
....you don't have to think about what time 21:30 is
....you've ever been referred to as "Household 6"
....you're the TC, not a backseat driver
....you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy
....you can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing ACUs
....you've ever had a pet named Scout, Ranger or Sergeant
....the local dry cleaner knows you by your first name
....it only cost you $25 to have a child
....you find that a large number of your clothes and household items are olive drab or loam, even though you never planned it that way
....you pick apart uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing
....you know what "pogey bait" is and which kinds everyone in your husband's platoon prefers
....you wish you could go to CIF to DX your old stuff like your husband can
....you've learned to sleep through the sounds of tanks, planes, helicopters and artillery simulators
. ...you give your kids a hand receipt when they take your Tupperware to school
....you can hate military life but be terrified to leave it all in the same breath
....you defend your lifestyle no matter how bad things get because you know there's no other life for you! AND WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD!

Grief group...helping or hurting??

2008-04-17T10:40:00.001-07:00

Brian goes on Thursday nights to a children's grief group. The group has only kids that has lost a parent in the military. Since Brian was only 4 when Thomas passed away, I've never been really sure how if effected him. I know it was hard for him at first because he just didn't understand why daddy couldn't home even if he wasn't sick anymore. After probably the fist 6 months, there were no more questions about it, he understood that was that and he couldn't ever see his dad again. He knows that his dad loves him and that he's in heaven. He doesn't take it personally when other kids have told him his dad didn't really die, and he has no problems telling anyone that his dad died. So they had homework last week in grief group and we worked on it last night. The homework was on a scale of 1-10 they needed to say what each number meant to them, that way the teacher could better understand where there grief is on different days. So here's what he told me
10- Bad dreams about my Dad
9- Crying on and off
8- Still cry, but not as much
7- Kind of sad still, but kind of feeling good
6- Crying on and off inside my head
5- crying in the morning, but fine in the afternoon and at night
4- Crying a little in the morning only
3- Not much crying
2- Playing with a stuffed animal to calm me down
1- Not crying at all, fine

Now I'm not sure he fully understands what he's being asked here. I asked him how his grief was and he told me he was at a 6. But I don't get it, I mean I NEVER see him cry over his dad, he only does that once in awhile when he's really pissed off at me and he tells me that he wishes his dad was here because he was nicer then I am. He never comes across as being sad about it, he always acts like a normal happy 6 year old. So I wonder if this grief group is making him feel like he needs to miss his dad more or something. I just don't know.

FINALLY!!!

2008-04-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

I have answers!! I went to another ENT today and since everything else has been ruled out, the Dr says I have Vestibular Neuritis, there is no real test to determine it, but that's what they figure since everything else is good. Basically it is inflammation in the inner ear and the Dr wants to send me to physical therapy to get back in balance. We will see if tricare approves that first!

This, That and the Other

2008-04-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

Here are some random updates for everyone.
I had the MRI of my ear yesterday, if you've had an MRI of your head before then you know it sucks! If not then should know that you never want one, my head was basically locked in this plastic thing to keep it from moving. It took about 25 mins to be completed and I never want to do that again! I go to another ear Dr tomorrow, not sure if they will do their testing tomorrow, or just talk about what test will be done.
In other news Brian and I got our new passports in the mail yesterday, and boy do they look different from our old ones. Not sure if that's because our old ones were from the military or if it's just the new look of the passports, either way Brian and I are now free to leave the country!
Speaking of Brian, he went into the kitchen today and got a bag of cubed cheese out to eat, he ate two of the cubes, then handed it to me to see when it expires because it didn't taste good. Yeah I looked at it to find it expired on March 28!! OOPS! From what I read online it should be OK, but I have a call into his Dr just to make sure. I'm usually really paranoid when it comes to expiration dates, but I guess I forgot about it since we were out of town when it expired. Nevertheless, I will wait to hear from his Dr, better safe then sorry!
Today is tax day, I have Brian's all ready to go just need to drop it off at the post office today. I had him sign the forms himself this time, I figured why not he can write his name now! Grand total owed this year: $90 to the state and $1,347 to the IRS. Gotta love it right? At least it's less then he had to pay last year!
And finally my friend Jennifer, who usually is the only one to post comments on my blog finally had her baby last night! Jennifer and I lived across the street from each other in Germany and our husbands were in the same unit then. Her husband is currently deployed, but I'm sure he's already seen the picture of the his new son Jack. This is their second child together. Jack weighed in at 7.7lbs and 20 1/4 inches long!

Desperate Housewives disappointment

2008-04-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

So with the writers strike finally over, I was super excited that last night, for the first time in like 4 months my favorite show Desperate Housewives was finally back on and new! For someone who has waited so long for a show to come back on you would only expect the very best. But I guess the writers strike got the best of the writers because last nights episode was a total disappointment! I only hope as the other shows I watch start to be new again, they won't be a big disappointment too.

Like father like son!

2008-04-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Thomas use to leave anything and everything in his pockets, from pens and paper to money, if it went in his pockets there was a chance he would leave it there! So I became use to checking pockets before putting anything in the washing machine. I must admit I've had time to become lazy with that, I don't usually put anything in my pockets because I carry a purse and Brian has never been one to use his pockets.....until now.
I was just taking the clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer when I noticed, the gum! Yes that's right Brian left gum in his pockets and I washed it! Have you ever washed gum before?? So as I was putting the clothes in the dryer I was trying to peel gum off of them, then I had to clean the gum that was stuck inside the washer! I guess now that I have mini Thomas running around I will have to go back to checking pockets before putting the clothes in the washer!

And you thought your house was a mess!!

2008-04-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

OK so tomorrow they are putting the carpet into the bedrooms, even though they are moving the furniture I still needed to move out everything else that sits on the floors. And can I just say Oh my god! I didn't realize I had SO much stuff in the bedroom, my closet and they spare bedroom were the worst. Oh and stuff under my bed, I can still smell the dust! But who moves the bed to vacuum under it? Oh and the stuff under my bed, had been there for a while, I actually found something that I am considering a treasure, it's a poster board, it's a bit messy but it had mine, Thomas, and Brian's hand prints on it. I don't really remember making it, but by the looks of the size of Brian's hand print (they were all done in finger paints) he probably wasn't more than 2 or 3 years old. It's cute, but like I said a bit messy because well you give a toddler finger paints, they will go crazy! I'm thinking about framing it.
Anyway here's some picture to make you feel better about your own house!

Is my baby still a baby, all grown up, or just a man?

2008-04-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

I think Brian is in a in between stage where he's all three of these.
He's still a baby, because well he'll always be my baby. He gets into the bed with me at night, although his legs are longer now and he takes up more space in my bed I'm pretty sure that sleeping with mommy makes him a baby still. I've also been having issues with him not using his words, something that I haven't had to worry about since he was a baby and couldn't talk. He tries now to just point at things and it's really getting on my last nerve! I keep telling him, God gave you a mouth, use it! So now he'll tell you, I know God gave me a mouth that I need to use. But yet he still doesn't use it!
He's all grown up now because of little things that I have noticed lately. He doesn't hold my hand anymore when we are walking. I don't have to help him in his booster seat anymore. He's only in a booster seat now because he's 3inches short of being out of it. Which by the rate he's growing he'll be out of the booster seat by the end of the year for sure! He can make things in the microwave as long as I tell him how long it needs to be in for. He can take a shower and is finally starting to stay out of the bathroom when I'm in the shower.
And he's just a man because is always sticking his hand down his pants. He refuses to answer the phone when it rings, even though when he was 2 he use to answer the phone and talk to anyone! He never listens to me and he likes to talk back.
Yeah I guess all in all he's probably just a man!

Still alive

2008-04-08T11:54:00.001-07:00

Things have been a bit crazy since we got back home. The Dr changed my medication and I was awake all weekend. I have chosen to stop taking the medicine all together I have my MRI on my ear next Monday. My carpet is getting put in this Friday. And I'm just going, going around here. And since I was wide awake this weekend my closet looks pretty good...before

and after...

you can even walk into the walk in closet!

Home again

2008-04-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would let everyone know that Brian and I made it back home yesterday. We had quit the travel experience this time. When we got our tickets in Denver, our seats weren't together, so I had to get that changed. I don't think anyone but me would want to sit next to him! LOL....Then for our flight to Redmond, we had no assigned seats! Our plane was late leaving Denver for no other reason other then a traffic jam, so we got to Portland late which gave us 20 mins from the time we landed until our next plane left. So we got assigned a seat once we got there! We had a good time and Brian FINALLY lost one of his front teeth while we were there, the other one looks like it could go sometime in the next week. I told everyone we are trying to see how many different places he can loose this teeth, so far he's lost 4 teeth, 2 here, 1 in Las Vegas and now 1 in Oregon! I think there's one on the bottom that should be ready right around the time we are in CA is summer! LOL Anyway when we left to come back yesterday we had assigned seats together even! Only problem there was on the flight out of Redmond we were in seats 11 B and C. Now I should explain that this is a small plane and there is one seat on one side and two seats on the other side.I was actually surprised we were in row 11 because I didn't think there were that many rows on the plane. So we get on the plane and it turns out I was right. Well there was a 11A, but no B and C on the other side, the flight attendant was like oh yeah that happens, how about row 1. Anyway we made it back home to the snow, and of course since there was snow yesterday it's in the 60's today! Which probably means more snow tomorrow.

That's gonna cost me

2008-03-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Well I decided to drop my Marketing class, I just can't keep up with it all, between leaving tomorrow to go out of town, my other two classes, upcoming Dr's appointments and redoing the house I just don't think I can keep up with it all. Why is it going to cost me? Well I just called to drop the class and was told that because I have already logged into the class they charge me the FULL price of class which is $1,250! All because I logged into the class, well I would have never known that there was going to be SO much work in the class if I hadn't logged into it! Whatever I guess it's worth the price to keep my sanity! Per Daniela's suggestion I will take the class this summer when it's my only class and I can concentrate on only it.

Where does everything go??

2008-03-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

I've started the process of getting things charged up for the trip. I'm not sure if my kid is spoiled or if this is just the stuff you end up traveling with when they are his age and travel all the time. His game boy, DS whatever you want to call it, is currently charging. I seem to have misplaced the charger for the ipod. I don't know how I loss things from one trip to the next, but I do! I mean I have one drawer in my house just for chargers and it's not in there and it's not still packed in my carry on bag from the last trip, which happens more often then I care to admit. I have also lost this handheld computer I have, It's one of those phones/computer combo deals, but I only use the Internet on it because if I am going out of town and will need my laptop I just transfer the sim card from that to my air card. Anyway I seem to have located the charger for it, still packed away in my carry on bag, but the device isn't there! I don't really need it, I don't get cell phone service where I'm headed and so it won't get service either, but sometimes I like to check my email in the airport. You would think with as much as Brian and I travel I would have a better system by now, but I'm ashamed to admit this might be one of the worse unpacking jobs I ever did. I might as well keep everything in a carry on bag from now on so I don't lose it!

You'll be fine...

2008-03-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

that's what my mom said to me when I told her I was thinking about dropping my marketing class and just having two classes. I think I'm just overwhelmed this week since the marketing class just started and there's a lot of work to be done in it. I am also trying to get this weeks and next weeks homework done for all three classes since the boy and I are skipping town Saturday for almost a week. I couldn't help but to think if she was trying to encourage me or give me a hard time. I ended up telling her, she's not doing the work, so don't judge. She knows I have all this homework to get done and yet she's off tomorrow and expects me to spend the day with her. I don't get it!! I mean she knows I have all this work do, I haven't even started packing for the trip, plus I'm trying to get laundry done and get the house in some kind of order since the carpet will be here about the time we get back. AAAAHHH I don't know what I''m going to do!

No concentration

2008-03-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to do homework, but I can't seem to concentrate on it. Today my Marketing class started it started later then my other classes because for whatever reason it's only a 8 week class. So I log into my online classroom this morning to find it saying I had 12 late assignments. The teacher didn't bother to even e-mail the class about it. There are 16 lesson plans for this class alone, which means 2 lesson plans a week. They should have just started the class with the other classes 4 weeks ago. I've been sitting here for an hour trying to read the chapter for the first week and I keep reading and reading the same things over and over. I have decided in the past week that this summer I am only going to take one class. I need a break and besides I'm going to use the free time for other things. Not 100% sure what I will be doing with that free time. But I'll decided that in the next month. Guess I should to get back to reading that chapter.

T.M.I.

2008-03-24T07:09:00.001-07:00

For those don't know that stands for Too much information! I have been wondering this past week if everyone, to include myself, is putting out too much information to the world. When I was at the Little Gym for Brian's class on Monday I overheard another parent on the phone, this dad told the person he was on the phone with "No I don't have a myspace. That's just stupid putting yourself out there for everyone." OK let's think about my information floating around out there in cyberspace, I have this blog which is intended for my family and friends to be able to keep up with the going's on around here, but I also know that anyone can read it. I have a myspace account, again to keep up with family and friends, but my profile is also set to private, so not just anyone can look at my page you have to be my friend. I also have a Facebook account, although I don't really use it, I think you have to be my friend to see my page on that too. But is that still too much information for everyone. I talk about everything that's going on here, does everyone really need to have access to all of that information? But then again if I didn't have a blog how would everyone know what's going on here? I don't have the time or energy to call everyone I know every week and tell them what's going on here, besides I'm sure I would forget something and not everyone would know everything. So are we giving out too much information about our lives?

Before and After!

2008-03-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

So my floors are finally in! They have to come back tomorrow for a few little things, but for the most part the floors are in. I felt bad for the guys here, they got my house at 8:30am and didn't leave until 9:00pm! For the most part everything is unpacked and back where it went, and the rooms seem to look bigger!
So here we go with before and after pics. First the laundry room...before

and after

the entry way before....

and after...

the kitchen before...

and after....

the dinning room before...

and after...

the living room before...

and after...

the hallway before...

and after...

ENT appointment

2008-03-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

So I just got home from my ENT appointment and I'm not feeling so good. First off the nurse took my blood pressure, which was fine. Then she took my temperature, and then again a second time, then she asked me how I was feeling. I told her fine, cause I was feeling fine then, she tells me I'm running a fever of 100.2. HUH really? That's weird. So the Dr comes in and we talk about what's been going on with my dizziness and the pain off and on in my left ear, then he starts to do some test which was just me laying back, but with my head hanging lower past my shoulders. The first time I started to get a bit dizzy, did the other side and it was fine. Then he wanted to do it again, but have me lay there longer. So we start with the left side again and the guys talking to me, and then, I tell him I'm not feeling so good. So he turns me to the other side to see if that would help. So I lay there for about 30 seconds and I tell the guy I need to sit up or I'm going to be sick. Yes it was making me nauseated to lay like that. He's not sure what's wrong so I will now be getting a MRI on my left ear and I am also having a hearing test and something else, not sure what it's called. But anyway now I have sit back and wait for these appointments. In the meantime, I'm not feeling so good from this guy making me sick! Not sure why I'm running a fever though.

Salesmen.....

2008-03-19T11:30:00.001-07:00

Are so annoying! It's bad enough when you are in a store and a salesperson come up to you and starts talking to you. It's even worse when you are trying to get something done to your house and you have to have the sales people in your house. You already know my experience the other day with creepy sales guy. Today I had a company out to give me an estimate on new windows for the kitchen and Brian's bedroom. So the guy gets here today and I swear this guy looked like he lives with his mother, he wasn't young, but he was older and balding and just had that "I could never get a girl" look. I know, I have a really bad habit of judging people. So the guy gets here and I open the door, he's standing about 5 feet away. He tells me the company he is with and asked my name, then he told me his name and then just stood there, OK well come in. He comes in the house and stands there staring at me, so I walk into the kitchen and tell him I need new windows in the kitchen. He had a really bad habit of just giving a stupid blank stare. Anyway he asked me if I knew anything about windows, I tell him NO. So he starts giving me every non needed detail about windows and yet he kept saying "I don't know if your familiar with" and say a window term. Yeah no I told you to start with I know nothing about windows! I guess the only good thing was it's going to cost about what I figured to get the new windows as for the new front door I wanted, he didn't want to sell it to me because he said that I don't need it. Whatever you would think he would want to make a sell, but instead he told me how to fix the problem with the door myself. It just gets on my last nerve that these people come to my house and act like they don't know why they are there and they go on and on about things that are important I mean worry about details later, tell me the cost of it. Money is what is most important!

What a day, what a week, what a life!

2008-03-17T20:17:00.001-07:00

Things have been crazy around here as usual. I have finally gotten my refund from Lowes and found new flooring at carpet exchange. They have now also offered me a deal on my carpet, making it $400 less then what I paid at Lowes. So now I need to talk to Lowes and try to cancel it there, so I can get my carpet at carpet exchange. I have someone coming on Wednesday to give me a quote on new windows. I don't need new windows everywhere, but I need them in the kitchen. They are also going to see about getting me a new front door. Good maybe it won't snow in my house anymore!! My laptop took a turn for the worse yesterday, about half of the keys weren't working on it. Since I have had nothing but problems with it since the new hard drive had to be put in back in Dec I brought it in. I was told right off, it needs a new keyboard. I told them that I need my computer for school, so I need it like yesterday. The keyboard had to be ordered from a place online, OK fine it was $20 for the new keyboard, well I needed expedited shipping since I need my computer and that was another $20. I got a email today that the item had been shipped from HONG KONG!! Yeah I have a feeling it's not going to get to me before at least Thursday and then I have to have the place put it in. So I decided today that it can't wait and I bought a new laptop, man have these things changed in the last 2 years! Anyway I figure I can always use the old for Brian to play games online and I will have to take the old one to travel with because the wireless air card I have is "older" (yeah 2 years old) and doesn't work in any laptop because I guess they make air cards about half the size as they did 2 years ago!
And now a funny for you, it had me laughing all day!!
I figured if I'm redoing the house, might as well do it right and go all the way with it. So there's this place in town called Granite Transformations. Basically it's a counter top that looks like Granite, without all the up keep and that goes right on top of your existing counter tops. So the guy is here today measuring and giving me as estimate. Well he guy came off as a little odd to me at first anyway, but I figured he's trying to make the sell. Anyway I was looking at all the different colors and he walks up behind and puts his hand on the small of my back, odd right? Yeah me managed to do that like 3 times and I had to keep myself from laughing! So the price wasn't bad so I decided to go for it, what the hell right? So I sit down at the kitchen table and he goes to sit in the other chair and he touches my hair and tells me what pretty hair I have, and asked if it was my natural color. I tell him no I color my hair, to which he says, well it looks really good, it looks very natural. I just said, yeah that's why I pay a lot of money to get it done. Well Brian needed up with no school today thanks to the snow last night, so he was kind of in and out of the kitchen at one point I said something to Brian and then looked back the guy to finish listening to what he was saying and he says to me, you have really pretty eyes, they look like this grey, green with a bit of blue. At this point I'm thinking, OK your not trying to make the sell now because I already said I would take it. I just said Oh yeah they change sometimes. Well Brian ended up back in the kitchen of course and when he walked out I jokingly say kids are great aren't they? He tells me he has no kids........Oh did I mention this guy was wearing a wedding ring? Yeah he continues by telling me he's not even married and that he wears the ring because most of his clients are older and it's a good impression, but that he really got the ring in Mexico for like $30......At that point I'm biting my tongue not to laugh because I have really hard time believing that this guy isn't married. At any rate he finally leaves. So Brian and I have lunch and then decide to run some errands, which included buying this lap top, so I get home and I have a couple of missed call. One was my mom, she left me a message and other said Wireless Caller, well I didn't recognize the number, that guys business card happen to be sitting there so I compared numbers, and sure enough he had called me! Now seeing as how he didn't leave me a message I'm going to assume the call had nothing to do with my new counter tops!......I'm so glad I managed to work into the conversation that I have alarm system in my house!

Snowballexpress needs your help

2008-03-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

I received a e-mail tonight that confirms the dates of this year's snowballexpress trip. I'm sure everyone knows what a great time Brian and I had last year. So please click here to see what they need help with for this years trip maybe you or someone you know might be able to help out. Thanks!

My jewelry is online!

2008-03-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Look at it here

My Grandma did what??

2008-03-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today I was out and about with my mom running errands, we were talking about how a local club had just moved downtown. That now makes all the clubs and bars located downtown. I told my mom that they should put a club in closer to my house because it would get a lot of business for everyone not wanting to make the drive downtown. We passed a empty building and I told my mom, you see, right there would be a good place for a club. To which my mom says to me well you could buy it and open one, I mean Granny use to own a bar. Excuse me??? My Grandma use to own a what? Then my mom said Yeah she was married this guy Benny..OK now I know that my mom's dad died when she a little girl, but to the best of my knowledge my grandma had never married again until I was in like the 2ND grade. But it turns out that my Grandma use to go out to the bar every Friday and Saturday night and then she married this Benny guy, they bought a bar and then shortly after my brother was born my Grandma and this guy got a divorce and they got rid of the bar. I guess I never knew any better because I never saw my grandma with anyone else when I was little until she married the guy she's with now. Now I can only think two things, one WOW what a Grandma I have and two, if my grandma use to out every Friday and Saturday, why won't my parents take my kid every weekend so I can go out?

Living two life's

2008-03-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel sometimes. I've been doing good lately, I've really been loving and missing Thomas. It always seems that once I get to that point where I miss him so much and I love him so much something happens to stop those feeling. Today I was on my way to pick up Brian from daycare and I passed a car with Virginia plates and suddenly all those loving thoughts left and I was filled with all the negative things that happened. Not everyone knows all the details of everything and I will keep it that way, but when those thoughts about what happened come to mind I get angry at him. It's like I lead two life's one where I'm this poor widow who loved and misses her husband and one where I'm so angry at him I don't know what to do with myself sometimes and I just don't want to think about the whole situation anymore. When I'm in the angry life I cry and cry sometimes and right now I'm tired of crying and putting on a happy, every thing's OK face. I just want to be back to that life where I miss and love him. I wish things hadn't ended the way they did.

Time change

2008-03-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but the time change this past weekend is killing me. I usually don't really have problems with the time change, but I can't seem to get up in the morning anymore. I have been hitting the snooze alarm about 4 times every morning. Brian was having problems getting up too as I have been dragging him out of bed at 7:30....until today. He got in the bed with me at some point last night, he kept pushing on my arm, where I got the shot the other day, turns out it hurts a lot more the day after the shot. So I was up trying to push him away most of the night.....and then this morning he says to me, can I watch TV? I look at the clock it was 4:30!! I told him no at 5:00 he asked again, so I sent him to room to watch TV. So I guess he has finally adjusted to the time change..now if only I could too.

Finally!

2008-03-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well after many a phone calls, a few trips to Lowe's and one formal complaint filled with their cooperate office I am getting my refund. At first they were going to give it to me in cash, that's a lot cash to have carry into the bank. But this morning they decided they could credit my debit card for the amount. Now all I have to do is wait for the money to show up in my bank account. And then I'm off to find a NEW place to get flooring from. Hopefully the money comes with no issues and we can finally consider this issue done!

Laughing at life

2008-03-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

HAHA all I can do is laugh anymore. This morning I dropped Brian off at daycare and I figured I would stop by Target to get a few things instead of going out back out later to get them. I was getting a shopping cart and the top part was stuck so I grabbed it from the bottom and got it unstuck, well when I did that I scratched my finger, it hurt, but I didn't think much of it so I went on with my shopping. As I was shopping I realized that my finger was bleeding, again I didn't think that much about it. So I got what I needed and when I was putting my things in the car I was looking at the cart and realized how dirty it was. So better safe then sorry I called the Dr's they told me I should come in for a tetanus shot. So I just got home from getting my tetanus shot! You would think with everything that I've been through in life, I would catch a break somewhere, but not so much!
In other news, Lowes will be by sometime today to pick up all the flooring, once the flooring is back at the store then they will give me a refund and I will start looking for new floors.

Widow

2008-03-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

I found these online and wanted to share.....although these don't apply that much to me anymore figured it would be good to share in case you ever find yourself talking to a new widow...
BEREAVED WIDOW WISH LIST

1. I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my husband's name. My husband was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My husband's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved spouse is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my husband, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my husband's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my husband until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my husband, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my husband died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my husband died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

You Know You're a Widow When.....

At the end of a good day you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He'll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He's not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, how 'ya doing? the big lie, I'm doing fine. That's because you know they don't understand. You know they can't. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can't make up your mind which box to check -- Single, Married, Divorced, Other -- You honestly don't know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn't flip the switch. You truly believe it's a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can't stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You're dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don't feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don't give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you're thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. Because you can't eat -- you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can't stop eating -- you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day?

Day 3......all you can do is laugh!

2008-03-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

HAHA they were just here to start putting in the hardwood floors and now I'm told I can't!! For starters the kitchen floor still isn't level even though I had someone come out and level it the other week, I tired to call the guy who did the leveling and his cell phone now doesn't take incoming calls! And I guess the floors I picked out would need to be nailed in the floor and you can't do that in my house. So here I sit with boxes of hardwood flooring sitting in my dinning room, it's been there since Wed. and I spent just over $11,000 on these floors. I'm now waiting for Lowes to call me about this new issue. I was told that I can put in laminate hardwood floors, but with the kitchen not level it would take as longer to get it in, they said about 6 days. So I'll keep everyone updated on what happens now!

Weekend

2008-03-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

I am SO worn out from this weekend. I have gone about non stop. My hand hurts from painting. I think I'm ready for tomorrow, but who knows. Anyway I wanted to share what Brian's camo wall looks like. I didn't finish painting the rest of his room yet, but it will be a sold color so it shouldn't be too bad, my room still needs to be painted too, but I'm questioning if I will get it done before the carpet on Friday. I couldn't get a picture of the whole wall at once because his room is kind of small, but here's the picture of his wall....

Day2......why did I decided to do this?

2008-03-07T08:44:00.003-08:00

Well day 2 was quit interesting! As you know from yesterday's posts I was without a toilet and I finally got it back at 4:00 yesterday....that's a long time! When the guy was done at 4 he brought me into Brian's bathroom and told me the toilet was leaking and that mine was too. Oh really I said because it wasn't leaking before. Oh yeah he tells me. As soon as he left, well I peed FINALLY and then I called Lowe's because I know they weren't leaking before. So from there it was back and forth phone calls trying to get the issue resolved. I was waiting for a callback which I never got so I went on with my night. I picked up Brian from daycare, we had dinner and then I decided to take a quick shower before I needed Brian to his grief group. So Brian comes in to use my bathroom and informs me that there's a bunch of water around the toilet. So once I got out of the shower I found that all the water was taking up the grout around the toilet and it was becoming unstable. Great, so I turn the water off, throw a towel around it all and went on with the night. On the way to Brian's group the phone rings, it was the owner of the flooring company who put in the tiles, he was calling to make sure that the toilet was fixed. HUH? I told me that no one had been out and I was waiting to hear back he told me he was told they were sending someone out at 6:00 I informed him that I left my house at 6:15 to take my son somewhere and that no one was there and no one had called me to tell me someone was coming. He said he would make some calls and then call me back.
So I get Brian dropped off and I'm standing outside talking to my friend Aymber when my cell phone rings, I figured it was the owner of the floor company again, but it wasn't it was a plumber who was sitting outside my house waiting to fix the toilet! Great! I told him I was sorry no one told me he was coming and that I could be at the house in 10 mins. So off I went home. I called Matt to and asked him to let the guys in and after I hung up with him the owner of the floor company called me again and told me that someone was going to call me tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment to come out and fix it. I told him that someone was already at my house and I was on my way home. So I get home, the toilets got fixed, the owner called back and talked to one of the plumbers because he was paying the bill for them being there and everything is now fixed! The plumbers told me that basically what happened was with the kind of water tubes, or whatever you call it, I have if the guy had yanked on it a couple of times to get them out then that's what broke them. So anyway here's the finished picture of my bathroom ....

Here's Brian's bathroom before...

and after....

This weekend I will finish painting, hopefully and Monday starts the new floors....Let's hope it goes a little more smoothly next week!!

Day 1

2008-03-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday was day 1 of the...um...remodling of the house....I guess that's what you can call it. Anyway here's how yesterday went down. For starters the hardwood floors were to be delivered to the house yesterday afternoon, at 7:30am I received a phone call that they would deliver it between 9-11 that morning, oh yea! Good thing I spent Tuesday night clearing out a space for it! So here it sits in my dinning room now..

The tiling of the bathrooms was to take place yesterday, they were to show up between 9-11. So the guy shows up sometime between 10:30 and 11:00. Now silly me I was thinking there would more then one person seeing as how I'm getting tiling done in both of my bathrooms. But nope, there was just the one guy. This guy worked until about 6:00 last night. The company he works for called me that morning to make sure the tile was right, yep no problem, they called again at about 1:00 to see if I thought the project would get done today, as they had it down for both bathrooms to be completed. I told them I wasn't sure. My bathroom was the one that he started in so here's what it looked like to start with...

At about 2:30 this what it looked like...

Oh and did I mention where he put my toilet?....That's right it's sitting in my shower...

And at 6:00 last night when he left it looked like this...

It might look done, but it wasn't the grout, which is the stuff that goes in between the tiles still needs to be put in, oh yeah and my toilet needs to be put back!
So the guy is here again right now, only he went right to work on Brian's bathroom, and what do you think he did first?? That's right took out the toilet! So I currently have no working bathroom!!....Now all I can think about is the fact that I need to pee!!!

Walk a mile in my shoes

2008-03-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them
and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad
that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they
are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are
might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes
you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on
you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not
the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me
and ache daily as they
try to walk in them.
Some have learned
how to walk in them so
that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes
so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes
I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given
me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes
of a woman who has lost a husband

Author Unknown

The pressure is on

2008-03-04T06:48:00.000-08:00

Well all the dates are now set for my new flooring. The bathroom tile will go in tomorrow, with the chance that it might carry over to Thursday as well. The hard wood flooring is being delivered to my house tomorrow afternoon. They will start putting in the hardwood floor on Monday they figure it will take 3 days to finish, and on Friday next week they will be back to install the new carpet. So everything should be done by the end of next week. My mom had told me I should paint the walls before the new floors go in. Brian's bathroom is already painted so that's not a issue and this pass Sunday my bathroom got painted and now it's a race to get everything else painted before Monday. In the meantime I also need to be packing up stuff so that it's cleared out of the way of the floors. I swear it's like moving without actually going anywhere! Oh and did I mention that in the middle of all of this I start back to school tomorrow?
Most of the house is going to be painted a brown. Brian's bathroom is currently a blue and decked out in SpongeBob wall stickers. My dinning room was painted years ago, so it will stay the same. I've been trying to figure out what to do with Brian's room, so here's the idea, all of the walls will be painted a brown expect for one which I will TRY to get to look like this.....

I only hope I can pull it off!! In his room the camo wall will be the wall behind is bed and for the wall directly across from it I ordered this wall sticker online last night...

So I will be SUPER busy the next week and half...I only hope I can pull it all off in time.

Ever have a feeling stupid moment?

2008-03-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Today Brain had a 2 hour delay this morning due to the snow yesterday. Yes only in Colorado you can have 70 degrees on Saturday and wake up to snow on Sunday! Anyway since I got the text about the 2 hour delay at 4:30 this morning, I turned the alarm off and decided I could sleep in a little bit. Brian was up at 7:00 eager to watch the news, to see if school was cancelled. I told him there was a delay and he went into the living room to watch TV. When I got up I didn't pay much attention to what Brian was watching on TV I knew it was Handy Mandy, but that's all. So we leave and I bring him to daycare and I went tanning and came home and to walk on the treadmill for 45 mins and then I turned on the computer and grabbed something to drink, I turn on the TV and find Handy Mandy on TV. Now I didn't think much of this because it's not unusual for Disney to repeat themselves, so I decide it's time to catch up on some of my TV that's recorded on the DVR. So I push the button and nothing, so I start pushing other buttons on the remote nothing, so I went ahead and change the battery figuring it shouldn't be the problem, but I better do it. So I mess around with the remote for awhile, check with TV in my room, which was working. And I finally decide to break down and call Dish Network. So I go through the automated system and their steps to try to fix it, nothing, so I finally get transferred to someone and while I'm going through some steps with this guy I see a menu come up on the TV and that's when I realized that it was on the DVD player!! I guess Brian had decided to watch a movie and I didn't know it! I didn't dare tell the guy on the phone this, I just went ahead and went through the steps with him and them said oh yeah it's working now, thanks! WOW did I feel stupid! I guess the next time the remote isn't working I will check the DVD player first!

I can't wait!

2008-03-01T15:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know how people do it.

2008-03-01T07:02:00.001-08:00

Yes I got married young and therefore wasn't really exposed to the whole bar scene that much. Well last night I meet up with high school friends at a local bar and now I can't barley keep my eyes open! I didn't get home until about 2:30 and it's almost 8:00 right now, why am I up so early? Because some guy should be here any minute to level out my house finally! So anyway, I go out last night, we were suppose to meet at the bar at 10ish, now I don't like to go places by myself so my neighbor Matt went with me he usually does go with me when I go out. We don't even leave my house until 10:00, which I might add is already creeping up on my usual bedtime. I tell Matt, we aren't staying long I have someone coming to my house early. First off we get there and no one else is there yet, which makes me glad I have Matt with me because I would hate to waiting by myself for everyone. Anyway everyone finally gets there and I'm good for the like first 2 hours we are there and everything is fine, but I think I only have a 2 hour fun time window! I started getting tired and was ready to leave, Matt on the other hand keep having beer after beer and at one point finally disappeared outside to the smoking area not to be seen again until almost 2 when I went out there looking for him. At this point the bar is finally clearing out a little bit so I go outside with a couple of people and we find the rest of the missing group outside, I walk down the stairs and this guy (who by the way could have passed as a he/she) grabs my arm and says Can I get your name? I just looked blankly at him and kept walking. I'm sure that makes me a bitch, but I don't care, I'm not talking to someone I don't know that I don't think is cute. It's good to know I can only attract the unattractive. Anyway I get out there and one of friends tells me that Matt had been grabbing her ass. OK I don't put that pass him. So we FINALLY leave and in the car on the way home Matt is on the phone making plans to go to some party after I drop him off, I don't know how anyone can keep going like that. I did question the ass grabbing, he says he didn't do it, but I think he was drunk and probably didn't even remember doing it.

Finals

2008-02-29T13:49:00.000-08:00

Well the final grades are in 2 A's and a D. Of course the D was accounting, good enough so I don't have to have the class again, not sure yet if it's good enough for the VA. But nonetheless it's all over with! School starts back Wednesday.

That doesn't make me feel good about myself

2008-02-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

So there I am in Old Navy today trying on a pair of jeans in the dressing room, when I hear another lady trying on cloths say to the lady working there.
This isn't working, it's too big, can I get a smaller size?
Sure, let's see this is a 4 so do you want a 2?

Yeah and there I was trying on my size 16, wow what a way to lift my sprints...

sell ice to an eskimo

2008-02-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

Instead of doing chores like any normal child, or like I would like my child to do, he has a different opinion about the matter of earning money. He started out small, selling his drawings for a penny or a quarter. He moved up to allowing you build something with his Lego's for a $1.03. Don't ask where he gets the amounts from, I have no idea! He has now moved up to bigger and better things, to earn more money. Last night I asked him to get me a bottle of water, which apparently gave him the idea to sell my water to me. He allowed me to have my bottle of water, but made a signed and informed me that any more would cost me, $3.83 a bottle. OK I could go to the store and buy a bottle of water for less then that! I told him I was fine I didn't need anymore water, I went to take a shower, which he then decided he would take over more of my house and sell more. So when I got out of shower I found this..

I need to teach my child what a bargain is because yes, he's selling the Nutri-Grain bars I had bought at Costco, well they are all selling for different amounts. The blueberry flavor is $2.09 the strawberry is $1.08 and the apple is $1.07. But he says you can have one of each for the cheap price of $8.99. Now that doesn't seem like a bargain to me!
He has many other things for sell in his "store" he has asked my parents to come over and buy something so I'm sure he's willing to anything to anyone. One day he's going to sell this house right out from underneath me!

Quick update

2008-02-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to give a quick update, I went to the Dr's AGAIN this week for my dizziness. And FINALLY the Dr has referred me to the ENT. It's about time I mean I've only been dealing with ear pain/dizziness since June so it's about time. My appointment isn't until March 20Th (I know could they wait any longer?) so I guess we have a while to see what happens next. There's been more going on around here, but I'll blog about that tomorrow!

Corn on the cob

2008-02-25T19:35:00.001-08:00

Brian has been begging me to make corn on the cob because it's the only kind of corn he'll eat. So I made some to go with dinner tonight. The funniest thing you can do is watch a kid with two loose front teeth eat corn on the cob.

Do you REALLY want my comment?

2008-02-25T11:03:00.001-08:00

So I am officially done with finals! Now you would think that would be a cause to celebrate, but it's not and I'm really pissed off right now. Let me break it down a bit, my spread sheet class went fine, no problems and I finished the class with a A.
My English class, I struggled to make my paper 8 pages, but I did, I turned it in Thursday and it's still not graded! And now for my accounting class, as you may know it was accounting II I made it through accounting I with no real issues. I have struggled this time around and was only carrying a 48% in the class at the time of the final. I came to realize before I ever even took the final that there was a good chance I wouldn't pass the class. The final is worth 350 points, 35% of our grade. So this morning I'm ready to go and I take the final, we have a 2 hour time limit. So there I am second to the last question I get done with it and go to save my answer and it says, Time expired! So yes that means I went pass the 2 hour limit and so since it wouldn't save the question I had been working on I don't get any points for it and no points for the last question either since I didn't get to it. Those 2 questions alone were worth 30 points each! After we finish our final we have to take this survey about the class, mine of course, wasn't nice and then there's the comment section..... This is what I had to say in the comment section, hope they enjoy my feedback on the class!

Have you ever taking accounting before?? It can take anywhere from 30-45 mins to answer 1 question and when I am given 9-12 question PLUS a quiz EVERY week it makes it hard to keep up with considering this is NOT my only class!! The 2 hour limit put on the mid term and final are not right! I know we need to have a time limit, but with my mid term I took it down to the last few seconds and with my final the time was up before I was even done, it wasn't until I finished the second to the last question and tried to save my answer that I found out that my time had expired. So that left me with 2 unanswered question, do you think that helped me?? Both of those questions were worth 30 points, maybe the higher point questions need to be put at the start of the final so if you do run out of time you aren't losing as many points as I just did!!! As far the teacher she showed little interest in the class, after I would get back a graded assignment it simply gave the correct answer and did NOT show the math on how she got the answer, does she even know?? Or is she just putting in what she has on an answer key? I hope some changes are made in this class before I am forced to retake it! Thanks for allowing me to waste hours and hours on this class so I could fail it and have to pay even more money to retake it!

Why assume?

2008-02-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

So last week my mom and I were in Lowe's I decided that since I can't sell my house, why not make it the house I want? So I picked out some stuff and made an appointment for them to come out and measure my floors. That was done last week and yesterday I went in to find out how much it will all cost. First let me tell you what all I'm doing, I'm putting in new tiles in both bathrooms, new carpet in the bedrooms and wood floors everywhere else. I've lived in this house for 5 years and my floors look awful! You have to remember that Brian was 1 was when we moved into this house and so my floor has seen a lot of spills, ground in play doh, and endless amount of throw up (before he learned to make it to the bathroom). So my carpet has been through a lot! My kitchen floors, well I don't know what happened to them. It has something to do with the flooring they choose to use, so basically most of the floor has turned from white to yellow with the exception of like 6 tiles which are still completely white.
Anyway so yesterday there I was in Lowe's finding out how much everything will cost, the bathroom's and bedroom's were reasonable, now the hardwood floors were a bit more. I didn't really expect how much it would cost, but it was way more then the other two. I guess the reason was, well because I have expensive taste! The lady did say that it was so much because of the wood I chose. So then she says to me, do you need to talk this over with your husband first? Now this is the same lady who helped me last week, all of the information they have list me and only me, all my contact information no one else's! So I bit my tongue and said, I don't have a husband.
This morning after I dropped Brian off at daycare I come home to a message from Lowe's they were thanking me for my purchases and telling me once everything came in they would call to make an appointment to install it. But she started the message with, This is for Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. Why does everyone have to assume there is a Mr.?

No, it never ends

2008-02-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I was working on my 8 page English paper, I have finals this week and that paper is my final for that class. Anyway I'm writing the paper on military survivors benefits and if it's really enough to live on, well the problem I've been having with the paper is that I lived it so I don't need to reference anything, but we need a minimum of 5 references and at least 3 need to be from a book. Well with what I'm writing about there's no real book just manuals, so I've been trying to find manuals online because we have to reference them as we use them in the paper. Which I've never had to write a paper like that before, I guess it's the APA style. If you've never written a paper like that what you do if after you have written a sentence in the paper that you got the info from a book or something you have to write right next to the sentence the reference used. Which I find a bit silly because you have these random book titles, authors and page number listed right in the middle of your paragraphs!
At any rate I decided to see if I had been given the older version of the Survivor's Guide to Benefits as I couldn't find it online. So I opened the file box that is full of all of Thomas' stuff from his death, all of my copies of paperwork, condolence letters, creditors I had contacted, copies of any letters I had sent out and the date they were sent, medical records, you know everything! Well I found no Survivor's handbook, it wouldn't surprise me if I just didn't get one, with how crazy everything was at that time and no one really knowing what was going on it was probably over looked. So I decided since I was already in the dreaded box I had better get out a death certificate to mail to Sallie Mae for his student loans, so I'm going through everything and I finally realize that I only have 1 copy my own self. I think I had ordered like 12 or something like that. So great I can't send them the ONLY one I have. Now I have to figure out how to order another one from the state of VA and those stupid things cost like $12 each. Another reason I hate the state of VA!! So I guess it never ends! Maybe it's him, maybe Thomas is hiding any other copies just to f*ck with me, that would be just like him! LOL

Check it out!

2008-02-19T06:56:00.000-08:00

The Widow's group was on the local new last night, check it out Here

8 years ago...part 2

2008-02-19T06:22:00.001-08:00

Ok turns out part 2 is a lot longer then part one, so make sure you got some time to read this!
After a long flight we landed in Rhein-Main air base. As we collected our luggage there stood some guy in uniform telling everyone that they needed to see him on their way out. We got our 4 heavy bags and proceeded to this guy who informed Thomas that we had showed up on the wrong day. We were not suppose to travel there on a weekend (if you've never traveled overseas, we left on a Friday, but when we landed in Germany it was Saturday) he continues to tell us that we especially shouldn't have shown up on that weekend with it being a Holiday weekend, Monday was Presidents day. He then sent us across the street. As we crossed to street I could tell Thomas was getting ticked off, I mean it wasn't our fault we showed up on a weekend, Thomas told the travel company on post at Ft. Carson when we needed to be in Germany and they booked the flight, we had nothing to do with making the arrangements. Well come to find out a LOT of people showed up on the weekend and the hotel on the air base was full, so they were putting us up in the barracks that weekend. The guy at the CQ desk got us signed in and showed us to our room, a room we weren't allowed to have the key for. We were informed that there were problems in the past and due to that we couldn't have the key to the room and that every time we left we needed to have the person at the CQ desk come lock the door and upon return we needed to have them unlock the door. We walked into the room and all I could think was Oh My God! There were two single beds and the nastiest bathroom you have ever seen in your life. I looked at Thomas and told him I was not using that bathroom until he cleaned it. So off we went to find the BX (yes the Air Force calls it a BX and the Army a PX). As we wondered around trying to find the BX we passed a pay phone, oh good, I needed to call my mom and let her know we were there. I walked up to the pay phone, turned and looked at Thomas and said this isn't going to work we need a phone card. So off we went to the BX, not only did we need a phone card, but since we were spending an unexpected weekend in a barracks we needed towels and wash cloths and something to clean that bathroom with! So we got everything we needed at the BX I was little confused when I got my change back from the cashier and got all the change back expect for the 2 cents. I didn't ask at the time, but I later learned that they don't have pennies on post because it's not worth anything! I wish they would get rid of pennies in the states! I finally called my mom and let her know we where there, we went back to the room and went to sleep, and I honestly don't think we woke up until the next day.
And when we woke up I looked at the clock to see it was about 3:30 pm the next day! Oh Shit I said and woke up Thomas, what, what he wants to know. UH if we don't get up now and go to the BX to get something to eat from the food court we aren't eating today! So off we went back to the BX to get something to eat. That night was the longest night ever, I truly understand now what jet lag means! It must have been about 9:00 that night that we started to get hungry and decided to go for a walk, there wasn't much to see on the Air base as it was pretty run down, which explains why it's now closed! We came across a bar so we went in to eat some dinner, they also had a game area with some slots. So since I was 18 and legal there, we ordered some drinks and played a few slots! We made our way back to the barracks after to try to get some sleep and wake up earlier. As we laid in bed that night (yes we both slept in one of the single beds) we talked about how Germany was already, neither one of us was too impressed by it yet, but we also hadn't seen anything off the base. Thomas and I also talked about missing home already, he told me how mush he missed his parents already and I said the same and we held each other that night and for the first time since I had meet him, Thomas cried, and so did I. He wanted to go home, and I couldn't blame him.
The next day we were up at about 2:30 PM, not bad huh? We made our way to the BX to eat and took another walk. We finally found out that night that there was a room downstairs with a TV that you could watch movies on, so that's what we did, we walked into that room to find it FULL of people, who just like us couldn't sleep! We watched a couple of movies with everyone and finally decided sometime after midnight to go to bed because we needed to get up early after all it was finally Tuesday and we were finally going to Schweinfurt!
Tuesday morning started early Thomas had to be in uniform and have the room ready for an inspection. Oh in case you were wondering yes he cleaned the bathroom the day we got there and no it didn't make a difference, when I took a shower I thought the paint was going to fall off the ceiling on me. The spouses and dependants were sent to some other building so that they have could do the room checks with the soldiers. So there I am sitting in a room full of people I don't know, these ladies next to me start talking to me, turns out they had been in the barracks all weekend too and each lady had 2 or 3 kids. They asked how long I had been married I told them and they said Oh lord it didn't bother me and my husband to have single beds because we've been married so long, but I bet you guys wanted to sleep in the same bed. I told her yes and that we had, she said she didn't blame me. We talked about where we were headed, they were going some place different then us, and what we already knew about Germany. Turns out none of us knew anything about it. One lady told me she heard that when you get stationed in Germany you end up leaving with one of two things either a Cuckoo clock or a kid. I told her I grew up in a house with a Cuckoo clock so I surely didn't want one and I had no plans on leaving there with a kid either, little did I know I would leave with a kid!
The soldiers were brought in the area we were in only to kick out the spouses because there wasn't enough room and the service members needed to be briefed. After this briefing we were all brought to yet another room where they called out the name of the town the people going to that town and the time that bus was leaving. When they finally got to Schweinfurt I made sure to listen, but Thomas' name wasn't called, I looked at him confused. They kept on, now I was new to the whole Military thing and couldn't seem to keep track of them calling a city or a last name, but I finally heard Thomas' name called. I looked at him and he had this horrified look on his face. Once they were done calling off all the buses. I finally asked him what was going on, his answer Shit, F*ck, I can't believe this. What I asked? We're going to Vilseck. F*ck I can't believe that shit. What does that mean I ask. So he tells me that when he got this orders to Germany everyone told him how lucky he was to be going to Schweinfurt because the last place he wanted to be stationed was Vilseck, or Vilsucks as they called it. Oh great was all I could think.
Our bus left that afternoon and we when we finally made our way to Vilseck the spouses were put into a van while our husbands were talked too, they were all going to be in the same unit. As we sit in the van we hear the commander tell them, I don't know why you brought your wife your never going to see her, you spend 9 months out of the year in the field, you need to get her a house and a car because your leaving in two weeks for Kosovo. One of the wives turned to the guy driving the van and said, where's the nearest airport from here?
Although Thomas ended up not going to Kosovo that time, I think he really did spend at least 9 months of the year in the field. We lived in a the hotel for a month before we finally got a house. We didn't get our household goods until the end of May, because the Army would be ready to deliver it, then they wouldn't know where it was then they would and then it was lost again, because, well everything had gone to Schweinfurt. We did leave Germany with a kid and memories I will always remember and friends I will have a lifetime. I wouldn't have traded any of it! I still miss Germany and want to go back and someday I will. It will be hard as more then half of mine and Thomas' marriage was spent there, but they were the greatest memories of my life.

8 years ago...

2008-02-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

today Thomas and I boarded the plane in Colorado Springs headed for Germany. It's hard to believe it's been 8 years already. I still remember the day...
It was a Friday and we had a pretty early flight out of Springs. This was, of course, back in the day when your family could still go through security to walk you to your gate. My dad was TDY for his job at the time, so he wasn't there, but my mom was. My friend Trish showed up at the airport to see us off too. Thomas and I had been married for almost 3 months and has known each other for 5 months. I don't think a lot of people thought I would actually marry him and leave the country. I did though. I had, had a rough year, I told almost no one I leaving and it was defiantly the best thing I could have done at that time and I would do it all over again if I could. We left Colorado that day not really knowing what to expect, we knew he had orders to Schweinfurt and we had each other and we knew that was all we would have when we got there. Our first stop was Dallas, TX to change plans, we did so with no issue and all was well. I had to call my mom every time we changed plans so she knew where we were and that everything was ok. We were then headed on a long flight to someplace in Maine, I can't remember where, I'm not even sure we knew then!
When we landed in Maine we had to collect our luggage as we had a long layover and had to change to the military airlines. We had 4 bags total, which was probably way too much! Thomas knew it was my first time away from home and didn't want me to be home sick so when the movers had come to pack up all our stuff for shipment he had left out a bunch of stuff for us to carry in our bags to Germany. This made for quit the experience once we landed in Maine and collected the bags, they were a lot heavier then we had intended. As we struggled through the airport with these ever so heavy bags, we ended up stopping every few feet to readjust the bags in hope we could make it all the way to where we were headed. As I struggled with my two bags and Thomas with his two bags, he ended up having to take one of mine so we could actually walk more then 2 feet. I remember Thomas cussing and mumbling, I couldn't help but to laugh at the situation we had put ourselves in. All I could think about was the fact that we would have to handle these bags again after we got to Germany. We finally figured out where we needed to go with these bags and got there only to find out that our layover was so long that they wouldn't even take our bags yet. We ended up taking a seat nearby where we also took a nap. After we finally could check in our bags we ended up sleeping in seats before getting a bite to eat before the flight. I ended up getting the hiccups before we boarded the plane, I only remember this because this was probably the longest I've ever had the hicups before in my life! Thomas was laughing at me saying that I would be hiccupping all the way to Germany. I tried everything I could to get rid of them before getting on the plane, nothing worked. We boarded the plane and took off and there I was still hiccupping! I think I had the hiccups for an hour that day! Thomas would laugh every time I hiccupped. I thought it was the longest flight of my life and much to my surprise I managed to sleep about the whole way there.
And since we didn't arrive in Germany until the next day. I will finish this story tomorrow and tell you all about our first weekend in Germany!

When did Valentines day become the new Halloween?

2008-02-14T17:21:00.001-08:00

I went to Brian's school today for their Valentines day party. The kids had fun and I left there tired!! The kids were so busy playing games that they didn't really get a chance to look at all their cards, so when Brian got home he emptied all the cards onto the floor and for a second I had to remember what holiday it really was because with all the candy I thought it was Halloween! Every kid's Valentines had either candy, stickers, or a toy! WHY I ask WHY do we do this?? When I was a kid the cards, were just that cards nothing else, now it's a card and candy/toy/stickers. I mean what are we teaching our kids? To expect something every holiday? I can't help but to wonder what this will do to our kids when they get older, will they still expect lots of stuff on Valentines day? Will it lead them to be more giving when they are older? Or are we just plain spoiling these kids??

Happy single awareness day...

2008-02-14T10:26:00.000-08:00

Parent teacher conference

2008-02-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to Brian's school for parent teacher conferences, and it didn't go as well as planned. Apparently Brian has been slacking off since he went back to school from winter break. The teacher said that the work load in class picked up after Christmas and that's when Brian starting slacking. I must admit I had no idea there was a problem, Brian says everything is fine, when I see the teacher at the daycare sometimes she tells me that everything is doing good, so to me there's no problem. I knew that he often "forgets" his homework at school and in the last couple of weeks I noticed he was "forgetting" to turn it in. But I would like to think that the teacher should be taking of the blame for this, I mean the boy is 6, I tell him in the morning he needs to turn in his homework and I tell him when I drop him off at daycare that he needs to turn it in, but after that he is not in my hands. I can't come up to the school everyday and remind him to turn in his homework. They have homework 4 nights a week and the teacher said last week that he only turned in 2 of the 4 homework's. Now am I wrong here to think that the teacher should be saying something to him about it? Or maybe she should be sending a note home, or calling me to tell me about it? I also learned that due to his new found slacking he has dropped to the lowest reading level group. The last time I saw the teacher for our conference Brian was in the second to the highest. So again I have to ask when a child drops two levels in reading shouldn't I know about it?? He's also been failing half of his spelling test. Now I realize that this might have been awhile ago, but when I was kid, if I failed a test it went home and my parents they had to sign it and then I had to give it back to the teacher the next day. But that's not what they do, she was actually holding onto the test to show me at the conference. So Brian's not a happy camper at home anymore, as I have had to get stricter about practicing his words and reading to me. The teacher agreed to take some of the responsibly for the homework being turned in, what happens is throughout the week the kids earn fake money and on Friday they have a sale and get to use their money to buy something from the teacher, so she has agreed that everyday he doesn't turn in his homework he has to pay her a dollar and if that means he doesn't get to go to the sale one week maybe he'll start learning how important it is to turn in the homework. I have volunteered to help with their Valentines day party on Thursday so wish me luck on that!

Funnies

2008-02-11T20:57:00.001-08:00

Comment Graphics at pYzam.com

Just when you think it's over

2008-02-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

It seems like something always manages to come up with Thomas. This weekend in the mail I got a letter from the Gold Star Wives of America saying that they had just received my name and address from the department of defense and wanted to make sure I knew of everything I was entitled too. Are you kidding me? Two and half years ago would have been more appropriate. Today in the mail he received a letter in the mail from SallieMae informing Thomas he was past due on his student loans. What? With as hard as I worked to make sure he had good credit and now he's not paying his student loan, how dare he! So I just made the dreaded phone call to them, I advised them I was sure I had sent them a letter and a copy of the death certificate 2 years ago! I get transferred to someone else who can "help" me, this lady says to me, "I understand your husband recently just passed away" Now this actually made me stop and think for a second, no it's not recently anymore, it's kind of hard to believe that it's been over 2 years ago already. I simply said "no, it was two and half years ago". So now I must dig out the copies of the death certificate and mail one to them......SIGH......does it ever get any better?

If I had a dollar

2008-02-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

for every prescription drug I have been given in the last two years I would probably be a millionaire! I ended up going to the Dr today, I've been sick for over a week now and a friend of mine who I just saw about two weeks and might I add shared a bottle of water with called to let me know she has mono. So I am awaiting the test results for that. The Dr has now put me on 4 meds to get this this cough/congestion gone. I always end up at the Dr and I always end up on lots of meds. I'm telling you with everything I've been prescribed in the last two years I could open up my own pharmacy!

Well I did it!

2008-02-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to my first widow's support group! And I must admit I had a lot of fun. There were 4 other ladies there and they are all great! I think we sat around and talked for almost 4 hours. These are defiantly some people I could get along with and I look forward to hanging with them!